January
After a year of rising political tensions in Britain and America, Prince Andrew attempts to diffuse the tension by inviting everyone in the world to his favourite Pizza Express in Woking. In a bizarre sit-down interview with Emily Maitlis, “Randy Andy” confirms that he has a booking left over from “my mate Jeff – top lad by the way” for a large-scale private function at the beleaguered Surrey branch. Andrew clarifies that he plans to launch a new BBC light entertainment show called “Walking to Woking” (in the style of “It’s A Royal Knockout”) featuring royals like Prince Philip and Meghan Markle heading to Pizza Express by foot to reduce carbon emissions while wearing funny outfits, which are purchased from the incredible new sale at the St. Enoch branch of Warren James.
Fresh from defecting from Labour to Change UK, then defecting from Change UK to the Lib Dems, Chuka Umunna stuns British poltics by joining the SNP. In a profound interview with Andrew Neil, Chuka changes his surname to “McMunna”, remarking that, “at heart I’ve always been an SNP man: it’s just been a long road to get there…ALONG THE BONNE BONNIE BANKS OF LOCH LOMOND!!! AND AH WOULD WALK 500 MILES…”, before donning a See You Jimmy wig, beautiful tartan kilt, plaid Braveheart outfit and any other stereotypes his PA found in the Royal Mile 10 minutes before the interview. McMunna laughs off suggestions that his love for the SNP will be short-lived, revealing a “STRONGER FOR SCOTLAND” chest tattoo and unveiling his new catchphrase: “The party starts now…the Scottish National Party!”
February
The Prestwick Airport / US Military controversy deepens when President Trump stops over at the “Pure Dead Brilliant” airport on the way back from a Britain First rally in Clacton. The demented chimp alights from Air Force One to a windswept runway, declaring Prestwick to be: “the best airport in the world, bar none, it was in the Daily Record, do you read the Daily Record, failing paper but a great paper, great guys, and we’re going to make this airport even bigger, and you wanna know how we’re gonna do that, we’re gonna build it out into the sea, no-one likes the sea anyway, it’s extremely over-rated, just like that Communist Bernie Sanders.” Trump is eventually stopped by airport security and informed that he is actually screaming at the pedestrian bridge on Shawfarm Road. Prince Andrew receives word that Trump has landed safely in the UK, and promptly invites him to the big peace-making dinner at Woking Pizza Express, noting that, “he could take Jeff’s seat. Might raise the tone, actually.”
Controversial Remain lawyer and fox-killer Joylon Maugham QC is rewarded for his headline-grabbing antics with a new prime-time TV show, “Fox In The Box”. Maugham is given a baseball bat signed by famous thugs such as Vinnie Jones and Alfredo Morelos, a cardboard fox and a defenceless vixen. Host Unai Emery wishes Maugham a “Good Ebening” before going through the rules: Maugham must break the cardboard on all six sides without touching the fox. If the fox is injured in any way, Maugham will have no alternative but to finish it off with a sawn-off shotgun. The show is moved to the post-watershed slot after the first episode when the fox breaks out of the box and chins Maugham, leading referee Andrew Dallas to award a penalty to Rangers.
March
A global UN summit is called at the massive WEST Brewery on Glasgow Green to deal with the critical emergency of loaves of bread never having 20 slices. There are tearful pleas from world leaders such as Emmanuel Macron, Indonesian President Jokowi and Phillip Schofield, who all describe the pain of getting to Friday lunchtime in the office and discovering they only have two slices of bread left. Justin Trudeau (dressed for the day as Jay-Z) pleads with the UN to solve the crisis, wailing: “I like two sandwiches at lunch. You like two sandwiches at lunch. That’s four slices of bread, so 20 a week. Why can’t I go to the mall on a Sunday evening and buy my goddamn 20 slices?!” Japanese Prime Minister Shinzō Abe interjects: “Once I bought one from Tesco then it turned out it had 19 slices. I mean, what kind of sicko does that to someone?” The summit ends with a global declaration to ensure all loaves contain 20 slices, as an inspirational closing montage plays to Panic! At The Disco’s big new single, “High Hopes”.
Scotland’s EURO 2020 play-offs are thrown into chaos when UEFA suddenly force through a dramatic rule change with 24 hours notice. Steve Clarke is banned from selecting any players currently playing outwith Scotland, but is allowed to pick any Scottish Premiership players regardless of birthplace. Andy Robertson, Scott McTominay, Kenny McLean and Ryan Fraser are all ruled out, but Alfredo Morelos and Odsonne Edouard start up front for The Dark Blues against Israel, both netting hat-tricks in a 6-0 win. In a dramatic final shootout in Belgrade, Fraser Forster saves the crucial penalty to send Scotland to the Euros after 22 years of pain! Commentator Ian Crocker notes that “The Tartan Army Never Do It The Easy Way”, while an angry Da calls Super Scoreboard to blame “Clarke, McLeish, the Hampden seating layout and the beaks at the SFA” for making him feel uncomfortably happy to be Scottish.
April
The latest edition of NameSwap features its highest drama yet, as Rod Stewart and Rory Stewart swap places for the day. Rod Stewart heads to LBC for an interview with James O’Brien on Brexit trade negotiations, spreading his legs out in a really weird way and announcing plans to be “the most centrist politician you’ve ever met”. Meanwhile, Rory Stewart impregnates 28% of London by dinnertime, before re-recording “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” and irritating The Green Brigade. A pensive Prince Andrew tweets Rory Stewart from Pizza Express, noting that, “You seem to catch the ladies’ eyes Rory. How do you do it? And, well, can I do it too?” A flustered Scott Brown accidentally likes the tweet before apologising to Neil Lennon, then relaxes by watching "Fox In The Box" with Joylon Maugham QC.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson breaks off from another Jeremy Kyle DNA test to head to Edinburgh. The chaos-haired authoritarian launches a new shop, the “Military Tattoo Parlour”, forcing terrified youngsters to cover their arms with Union Jacks “to feel more British”. A man with an eccentric accent (described as ‘Edinburgh English’) provides enthusiastic commentary as the captive teenagers are driven to a tattoo parlour in the Old Town in Ruth Davidson’s tank before being coerced into watching three hours of army bagpipes and fireworks. Chuka McMunna is still stood in the Royal Mile (attempting to memorise “There’s A Moose Loose Aboot This Hoose” in time for the Fringe), but is so horrified by the flagrant nationalism on show that he quits the SNP “just in case”. Chuka decides to play things safe with his next move and avoid nationalism altogether by joining The Green Party, adding that, “The party starts now…The Green Party!”
May
Lewis Capaldi suffers a major setback when his record label drops him for having an Italian surname. Any names deemed “too foreign” by the Brexitty Tory Government are subject to a one-job-per-surname quota, with Peter Capaldi already bagging the only available job on a first-come-first-served basis. A desperate Lewis is forced to go underground and work on an illegal cash-in-hand basis at Aldi, rebadging himself as Lewis Cap-Aldi. The neddy genius dons a baseball cap with the Aldi logo for each shift (receiving a frightening number of retweets for each selfie), before taunting Boris Johnson with the trolling message: “Haha got a wee hyphen so technically it’s a different name now. Ya bam.” Cap-Aldi is eventually sacked by Aldi for stealing James Arthur’s voice, although in his sacking interview store bosses admit that he is “clearly a nicer bloke than James Arthur”.
In Prestwick, Donald Trump considers staying longer-term and sleeping in his nearby hotel at Turnberry like Alan Partridge, before remembering that a room costs £10 million a night. The orange fascist takes a wander down to the Main Street, getting into petty squabbles with pensioners in the Post Office queue and ordering massive steak bakes from the Electric Bakery every single morning. Taking a seat in Boydfield Gardens, Trump takes a moment to tweet insults at famous Prestwick celebrities, noting that: “The failing MacDonald Brothers (who are the biggest pair of losers) crashed and burned on the British version of American Idol, and won’t even show their faces in their own tiny little village, SAD. If I find Drew Galloway or McIntyre or whatever he’s called now, I will make him crumble in the face of Our Country’s Great Military.” WWE superstar McIntyre sneaks up on Trump from behind the swings and hits the impeached troglodyte with his patented FutureShock DDT, causing referee Andrew Dallas to award a penalty to Rangers.
June
Scotland’s big day in the sun finally arrives, as Hampden hosts the EURO 2020 finals match against the Czech Republic. Morelos bags another two goals as the Scots easily see off the Czechs, due to the Czech domestic leagues being a bit rubbish. However trouble strikes in the Wembley showdown against England, when Andy Robertson and Ryan Fraser combine to set up a headed Kenny McLean winner for the English. Morelos suddenly turns heel by transferring himself to a Croatian club side, then invades the pitch in a red and white checked strip in the final Scotland vs. Croatia match, netting the winner then indulging in his traditional pastime of stamping on Scott McKenna’s thigh. Ian Crocker sighs that “The Tartan Army Never Do It The Easy Way”, as an incredible video montage recaps Scotland’s EURO 2020 journey to the tune of Panic! At The Disco’s massive new single, “High Hopes”.
After the thrilling adrenaline rush of Wimbledon and the Cricket World Cup ending in the same minute, organisers decide to merge the sports of tennis and cricket into the combined might of CrickNis. The first ever CrickNis World Cup is played out in front of a packed crowd at Lords, as Jofra Archer bowls a 96.1mph delivery to Roger Federer. Fed smashes the ball with his tennis racquet aiming for a 4, but Andy Murray shows cat-like agility to lob a forehand volley back towards the crease. Ben Stokes catches the ball and attempts to run out a confused Rafa Nadal, causing the cricket umpires and tennis umpires to launch a mass brawl over the true meaning of the word “OUT”. In a post-match interview with Ian Botham, Murray muses that, “Yeah it was a tough match you know, they brought a lot of pace, especially with the first serve, and when the umpire kept saying “SIX” I was thinking, come on man, that must be at least 15-0 by now”, to hearty laughter at Lords. Stokes later attacks all participants with a mixture of cricket bats and tennis racquets outside a London nightclub with the help of Joylon Maugham QC.
July
Chuka Umunna quits The Green Party for showing too much joined-up thinking, and promptly joins UKIP. In a bizarre Newsnight interview with host Unai Emery (who begins by wishing him a “Good Ebening”), Umunna confirms that he believes everyone who doesn’t look like Marc François should be deported immediately, adding that, “I know that means I’m basically supporting the deportation of myself, but that’s never stopped Sajid Javid.” Umunna signs off the interview by pledging that only a UKIP government will stop “frittering money away on wishy-washy stuff, like science”, before proudly adding that, “The party starts now…the UK Independence Party!”
Controversy abounds at the Olympic Games Closing Ceremony in Tokyo when Justin Truedau arrives dressed up as Usain Bolt. The cosmopolitan Canadian president gatecrashes the arena in a yellow running vest with green strips round the side, running up to everyone and doing the patented “Lightning Bolt” pose, before crouching in position at the 100m track even though the ceremony is still ongoing. As the festivities near their conclusion Prince Andrew appears on the big screen, inviting the whole arena to the Woking Pizza Express for his special “Heal The World” meal. Andrew also offers to carry the Olympic flame (noting that, “I can’t actually sweat so the heat won’t bother me”), as an inspirational video montage plays the best bits of the closing ceremony to Panic! At The Disco’s phenomenal new song, “High Hopes”.
August
The big summer anthem features Rita from Coronation Street performing a sultry duet with Norris Cole, The song, entitled “Señior Rita”, exposes the private lives of senior citizens on the iconic Weatherfield cobbles, as backing dancers including Ken Barlow and Audrey Roberts taunt younger cast members like Tyrone and Chesney by flashing their free bus passes and TV licences. As the sizzling video develops, Mary becomes jealous at the attention Norris is receiving, storming the set and decking Rita with Norris’ sweep, prompting referee Andrew Dallas to award a penalty to Rangers “just to be on the safe side”.
A group of worryingly macho 'lads' are spotted on the English border shouting at passers-by that Gretna is actually in England. The group, who have no evidence to support their illogical claim, continue to spout loud nonsense until being interrupted by a local schoolgirl named Gretna Thunberg, who carries a small placard confirming that, no, Gretna is actually in Scotland. The group rebuff Thunberg’s claims, even as she whips out an Ordnance Survey map underlining that Gretna is indisputably part of Scotland, as an increasingly large group of schoolchildren gather round to back up Thunberg’s use of facts. “The evidence is clear”, Gretna adds: “Open your eyes”. The lads pause before sniggering, “Nah, don’t believe you”, and heading off to Woking for the big Pizza Express with Prince Andrew, now straining every sinew in his being not to sweat due to global warming.
September
Donald Trump continues his tour of Prestwick, heading down to the esplanade and sampling a Nardini’s ice cream while gazing out to Arran (described as the “best island in the world, I created it actually, but they don’t tell you that”). The Donald then spots a handful of wind turbines to the North of Ardrossan, launching into a demented anti-SNP rant and screaming at his security to “get those windmills the hell out of here, they’re fake news, I heard they don’t even work at night, did you know that, yeah, I heard it on InfoWars and they’re bringing crime and disease and only I can stop this”. Trump then searches for Streamline Taxis online (insisting on using Google rather than Ecosia, for reasons he can never quite explain), but gets sidetracked on the Main Street and roped into a lock-in at the Prestwick Pioneer Wetherspoons with his good friend Kanye West, who later turns out to be Justin Trudeau.
Chuka Umunna quits UKIP in fury after the shock discovery that they are in fact a bunch of headcases, and resorts to gatecrashing actual parties in people’s houses. The suited party-lover heads along Glasgow’s Byres Road one Friday night (with Tinie Tempah in tow for some reason), keeping a keen ear out for Freshers Week parties in student flats. Umunna then buzzes random doors, claiming to be “a mate from the politics classes”, before heading up into tenements with a ghetto blaster and playing party anthems by Andrew WK to startled Maths freshers. In a shouty Skype interview on BBC News (during which presenter Unai Emery wishes the partygoers a “Good Ebening”), Umunna confirms that: “The party starts here…THE FRESHERS PARTY!!! DOWN IT!!! DOWN IT!!! DOWN IT!!!”
October
The rowdy group of Gretna-deniers are hospitalised on the way to Woking, after their car is written off by rising flood levels in Yorkshire. “Karma’s a bitch”, muses Gretna Thunberg.
Concern grows for the welfare of Dua Lipa as it becomes apparent that she is trying to appear on every single song released in 2020. Lipa is only halfway through laying vocals for a new Calvin Harris collaboration when she has to leave the studio to head to another studio and record a new single with Clean Bandit. The hard work pays off when Lipa scores a 40/40 success rate on the Big Top 40 (although somehow Jess Glynne still manages more) with host Unai Emery wishing her a “Good Ebening”, as Prince Andrew breathes a sigh of relief that the playlist is now sorted for the “Heal The World” meal at Woking Pizza Express. Lipa has to cut off the interview before its conclusion to record new singles later that night with Sigma, Sigala, Jax Jones, DJ Khaled, DJ Otzi, George Bowie / GBX and Tony Blackburn, although the Sigala single fails to chart after Owen Coyle tampers with the recording and turns the volume down.
November
Children across Scotland are thrilled by a new hit TV show on Netflix called “Naw Patrol”. The show features a gang of hardcore UK nationalist bulldogs touring the country in unnecessarily large vehicles to bark abuse at anyone who thinks Scotland could be a normal country, always finishing with the signature catchphrase, “NAW PATROL IS ON A ROLL BY THE WAY BUT!” The group, based at their HQ in Larkhall, appear to have an underlying problem with Mayor Goodway (that is never fully explained), before abandoning a hapless Cap’n Turbot’s sinking ship in the River Clyde, gruffly yelling, “We voted Naw to lifeboats six years ago. Get over it!” The show struggles in the ratings (dismissed by show producers as "just a flimsy series of opinion polls"), prompting First Minister Nicola Sturgeon to throw her signature celebration/meme/gif pose before unwinding by playing
Boris Johnson shocks Britain by organising a sit-down interview with the fictional character “Lorraine Kelly” to reveal that he himself is playing the fictional character of “Boris Johnson”. The actor playing Boris informs the actress playing Lorraine that, “after much pontificating and, eh, criticus arbitrandus – that’s Latin, by the way – I feel it only fair to be straight with the British people. And of course I am always very straight, eh, unless those, uh, tank-topped waterm…” Lorraine stops Boris in his tracks by asking why he spends so much time running away from Andrew Neil, Nicola Sturgeon, the general public and his own children, but Johnson’s blushes are spared when Chuka Umunna gatecrashes the ITV studio with tinsel, elves, mistletoe and sleigh bells, screaming: “There’s a new party in town…THE CHRISTMAS PARTY!!! OK YOU LOT - TAKE IT!!!”
December
The scene is finally set for Prince Andrew’s big peace-keeping meal at Woking Pizza Express. Master of Ceremonies Unai Emery wishes diners a “Good Ebening” as they arrive at the restaurant, with Chuka Umunna’s Christmas Party in charge of handing out crackers and fragile paper hats. The terrifying Duke’s plan comes into fruition as he opens the function suite door to reveal a Tardis-style room that actually fits in the entire population of the world. Randy Andy attempts to hit a wine glass with a spoon before going “SPEECH” but accidentally throws the spoon at Lewis Cap-Aldi’s head, clattering into his baseball cap and causing referee Andrew Dallas to award a penalty to Rangers.
The disgraced eighth-in-line to the throne reassures the assembled masses that: “it’s been a bit of a rough few years for us all, and it’s maybe felt like a bad dream at times. But since Donald is a bit tied up in Prestwick at the moment, I’ve found someone you might remember from a few years back who could steady the ship. A man admired around the world for his eloquence and ability to bring people together. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome…President Obama!” The room erupts into euphoric cheers, relieved that the Trump nightmare could finally be over. The chair then spins round (like in The Voice), but the 7 billion people in the room react with confusion amidst murmurs that the man in the chair might not actually be Obama. After a lengthy VAR delay, during which the world listens to a selection of new Dua Lipa singles, the identity of the imposter is eventually confirmed. It’s…Justin Trudeau’s face.
HAPPY NEW YEAR. HAVE HIGH HOPES.
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