The Louvre heist suspects manage to escape their high-security jail on the outskirts of Paris, by getting fellow inmates to distract prison guards by doing the "6-7" meme. The security staff are so captivated by the groundbreaking patter that all five detainees escape out the window and down a perfectly-placed ladder, before taking advantage of Paris' new traffic-calming policies by impersonating joggers, running about a lot and evading capture. President Macron vows to bring "swift justice to the (alleged) perpetrators", before spirits are raised when an aide rushes in with an iPad to show him every beautiful goal from Scotland 4-2 Denmark.
New Jersey Senator Cory Booker suddenly remembers he forgot one or two crucial details from his 25-hour filibuster and, after a good long sleep and hearty breakfast, returns to the US Senate to round off his speech. Booker thrills fellow senators by reciting a Stewart Lee routine about the Labour Party, before segueing seamlessly into a blind ranking of every one of the original Heinz 57 Varieties. Senator Booker continues into the night with a lengthy recital of every single Robert Burns poem to mark Burns Night, with a trusty aide bringing him some much-needed haggis, neeps & tatties (with Irn Bru) halfway through Tam O' Shanter.
February
Scotland manager Steve Clarke and popstar-astronaut Katy Perry accidentally end up in the same hotel again. The pair are booked into adjacent rooms in the Premier Inn in Thurso, with Perry in the area to drum up support for the Sutherland Spaceport and Clarke taking the team for an impromptu winter training camp in Orkney. There is an awkward moment at breakfast as Perry attempts to namedrop celebrity space-twat Jeff Bezos while waiting for croissants to heat up, but a deadpan Clarke still has absolutely no idea who she is, mistakes her for hotel staff and asks her why the vegan sausages always take longer to cook than the pork ones.
At the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C., Taylor Swift's wedding to Travis Kelce hits a hitch when FIFA President Gianni Infantino hijacks the dress rehearsal. The bald Italian storms the stage uninvited to take over proceedings, suggesting that only he can lead the ceremony with the distinction and class necessary for the occasion, before unveiling a weird scripted "comedy" segment with Rio Ferdinand and some American actor struggling to find their way to the venue. Swift is left standing awkwardly at the side of the stage (like at the 2009 VMAs) as Infantino awards a new "FIFA Peace Prize" to Adolf Hitler, for his stellar work in reducing overcrowding and urban crime in European cities.
March
Disgraced urinator / friend of Epstein / Labour spin doctor "Lord" Peter Mandelson launches a new prime-time ITV game show. "Pee To Peer" sees contestants down four pints of lager before attempting to make it home without nature calling, as Mandelson follows in a van with SWAT team specialists trained to deal with crisis situations. Each time a contestant fails in their objective and has to relieve themselves in the street, Mandelson jumps out the van, joins them for a No.1 and shouts the show's iconic catchphrase, "The ferry is now leaving the peer!" The show bombs in the ratings (even by ITV's standards) but Mandelson laughs off criticism, wryly noting, "Don't worry, I'll just get a better paid job in six months: I always do."
Cory Booker's filibuster speech continues apace, as the New Jersey Senator runs through his favourite episodes of Only Fools And Horses in ascending order. Booker refuses to give way to the floor when Minnesota representative Ilhan Omar argues that the 2001-2003 Christmas Specials aren't canon, and states that the "Gary" episode is comfortably in his top 20. An increasingly sleepy Booker briefly faints when Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez lifts up a supporting structure from her table, causing Booker to fall face-first through the gap. As AOC lifts a disheveled Booker, he promptly regains consciousness and asks her to check that every chandelier and light in The Capitol is correctly fastened, adding, "Now brace yourself, Dave...I mean Rodney!"
April
The Louvre heist suspects have made it to Scotland, and attempt to hide from French police (who are all still on bikes for some reason) by climbing Ben Nevis. The gang of wet bandits distract the rozzers en route, by playing the Runrig classic Loch Lomond really loudly on a ghetto blaster and leaving it in woodland near Ardlui as a decoy. On the Scottish Election campaign trail, Labour "leader" Anas Sarwar rages at First Minister John Swinney for not personally catching the thieves, and sees a polling bounce of -5 points after screaming that, "this SNP crime wave is out of control!!!" The heist suspects disappear into cloud after the Half-Way Lochan, with the French police's WalkHighlands GPS app failing after another inexplicable iOS update knocks it out again.
An explosive series of leaked emails reveal that Jet2 Holidays planes were used to fly the world's most infamous perverts to Epstein Island. The latest tranche of files reluctantly released by the US Government show a number of billionaires and high-ranking politicians trying to talk in a secret code about their disgusting (alleged) crimes. The giveaway is a 2002 email from Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor to Peter Mandelson, which signs off by saying, "Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday, and right now, you can save £50 each per person... 😂" The new scandal causes such a ruckus that Mandelson's filming of Pee To Peer is paused for a whopping two days, until Gianni Infantino (live via satellite from the Swift-Kelce wedding rehearsal) attempts to un-cancel the pair by awarding them "FIFA Peace Prizes", for keeping children busy when they could be vandalising bus stops.
May
A "booking mix-up" leaves Katy Perry and Steve Clarke staying in the same hotel once again, this time on a pre-tournament tour of Latin America. Perry's boyfriend, ex-Canadian PM Justin Trudeau, starts to become suspicious of the situation, and hires a private investigator to monitor Clarke's movements. A deadpan Clarke is undeterred, overseeing a 2-0 win over Panama (in 'The Darien Derby') and a creditable 1-1 draw with Columbia, and reassures reporters afterwards that he still has absolutely no idea who Perry is. Trudeau and his sleuth attempt to hide a series of micro spy cameras in plants at the reception, but Scott McTominay and Kenny McLean thwart his plans by finding them all and either bicycle-kicking them out the front door or lobbing them 60 yards into the car park.
Another Celtic board meeting is stormed by furious fans, after Hearts win the Scottish Premiership to break the Old Firm’s stranglehold after 41 years of dominance. Major shareholder Dermot Desmond and CEO Michael Nicholson attempt to placate the situation by co-opting the 6-7 meme, but this time as a nod to Celtic’s European Cup triumph in 1967. Amidst a series of increasingly stormy questions from irate men in hoops, Desmond responds to every barbed comment by just bellowing "SIX-SEEEEVEEEEN!!!" as Nicholson waves his hands by his side, in a move that the pair insist is a legitimate tribute to the Lisbon Lions' historic victory. The mustachioed billionaire invites the fans back to Bar '67 on the Gallowgate, renaming it "Bar 6-7", and attempting to bribe the fans with six (or seven) pints of Guinness each, before finally uniting the room with a rowdy chant of the classic Parkhead anthem, "6-7 IN A ROW! 6-7 IN A ROW!!!"
June
Scotland's World Cup return against Haiti in Boston, MA is marred by ugly scenes, as the Portland Antifa Frog invades the pitch after a contentious Haiti penalty and square goes the referee. The Tartan Army go wild as Scotland roar back to win 3-1, with a deadpan Steve Clarke (described by Andrew Yang as "a true Welsh original") later remarking that the costumed left-winger was, "the 12th frog for us out there". A last-minute marketing tie-up with Kellogg's Krave works to great effect, with fans belting out the new national anthem, "Scotland The Krave" before and during each game. Remarkably, Clarke and Katy Perry end up in the same hotels again in Boston *and* Miami, with Justin Trudeau having to resort to stealing the frog outfit and handing out sweeties to kids in the lobby, in order to spy on the suspect pair. Perry's fans begin to build conspiracy theories online by listening to Teenage Dream and Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) backwards, to try and find coded references to Clarke's distinguished playing career at St. Mirren and Chelsea.
Taylor Swift's wedding rehearsal with Travis Kelce is still continuing, as Gianni Infantino takes the opportunity to workshop some of his new stand-up material. The corrupt doofus asks the gathered crowd, "Who remembers Opal Fruits? And then they changed the name to 'Starburst'? What were THAT all about?" An incensed Swift dives off into a side room to pen a 30-song album about Infantino being a jerk, while Kelce considers just booting his head clean off. Meanwhile, Rio Ferdinand and Heidi Klum deliver a long and stilted monologue about the format of the ceremony, explaining that Swift's ring will be drawn from Pot A while Kelce's ring will be drawn from Pot B.
July
The summer's smash-hit film is also its most controversial. "Kpop F*n**n Hunters" sees a terrifying gang of Union Bears trying to rid Glasgow of Celtic fans, by stealing their souls using a special occult potion consisting of Buckfast and single-use vapes. The lead single from the soundtrack, entitled "Orange", is perfectly timed for marching season, and features 80 angry men in sashes marauding down Sauchiehall Street with massive drums and flutes, bellowing, "AH'M DONE HIDING, NOW I'M *FIGHTING*, LIKE AH'M BORN TO BE!!!" Filming for the video is interrupted when the Louvre heist suspects hare down the cycle lanes pursued by French police officers, the guy who threw that sandwich that led to a court case, Peter Mandelson and a load of folk who need the loo.
The MetLife Stadium (In The Shadow Of New York CityTM) sees a titanic World Cup Final, as Scotland and England fight out the ultimate Battle of Britain. Jude Bellingham and Scott McTominay trade overhead kicks in the first half, before an incredible finish sees an ageing Craig Gordon 'Hulk Up', rip off his goalie shirt in the style of Hulk Hogan, dribble the entire length of the pitch and slot it past a despairing Jordan Pickford to lift the Jules Rimet trophy! A deadpan Steve Clarke remarks afterwards that, "it was a decent strike: maybe not as good as Tierney's goal against Denmark, but we'll take the win and move on." A despondent Harry Kane laments, "#YeahObviously, it's disappointing, but I'm sure the media reaction back home will be typically levelled and fair." Clarke and Katy Perry end up in the same hotel in Downtown Manhattan, with Justin Trudeau left with no option but to climb the Statue of Liberty and use massive binoculars to spy on the delirious after-party.
August
New Jersey Senator Cory Booker continues his filibuster monologue in the US Congress, giving a comprehensive review of every song ever written. While house representatives on both sides of the aisle are now struggling to stay conscious, Booker himself is full of energy, thanks to a constant stream of munchie boxes from a local chippy. Booker attempts to rouse the crowd by using a Dictaphone (in the style of Peter Kay's wedding segment) to play classic hits from the back catalogues of The Beatles, Elvis Presley and Zig & Zag, but to no avail. The tireless lawmaker decides not to try and research what on earth Bohemian Rhapsody is about (noting that, "we don't have time for that now"), while Andrew Yang tweets from his seat that Freddie Mercury was "a true American original".
The BBC finally relaunches Top Gear with the help of Saudi football fan Brendan Rodgers. The new show, titled "Top Top Top Top Top Gear", sees Rodgers driving a range of new vehicles around the streets of Riyadh, before rating them on a massive ladder with Ferrari at the top and Honda Civic at the bottom. One tense episode sees the increasingly-sunburnt Ulsterman struggle with a tyre replacement on a Nissan Juke, with fans wishing that Kyogo Furuhashi and Martin O'Neill could return to fit the new wheel more efficiently. Women are banned from driving on the show at all times, a stipulation demanded by both the Crown Prince and Rodgers himself.
September
Steve Clarke and the victorious Scotland squad make it to a hotel in Beverly Hills with the World Cup trophy in tow. Surprisingly Katy Perry is booked in at the same hotel, but when Justin Trudeau arrives (dressed up as Kendrick Lamar to evade detection), Perry is nowhere to be seen. Trudeau hears California Gurls playing from Clarke's bedroom but, when he opens the door, the only humans he finds are Clarke, Andy Robertson and John McGinn watching the latest episode of Pee To Peer. A deadpan Clarke explains to Trudeau that, "We're playing California Gurls because we're in California. Pretty obvious tbh." A commotion in the corridor ensues, as the Louvre heist suspects cycle down the hallway pursued by hapless French police officers, so McGinn changes the channel to watch the Swift-Kelce wedding rehearsal, where Gianni Infantino is awarding the "FIFA Peace Prize" to Attila The Hun for building a truly united Empire.
The latest edition of the iconic TV series "Name Swap" sees Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin switch places with ex-Rangers manager Russell Martin. The show follows Russell Martin as Coldplay's world tour hits Rio di Janeiro, with the bearded tactician playing to 200,000 fans on Copacabana Beach. The band hit a number of duff notes during the show (and play in an unusual formation, with the drummer at the front of the stage), but in a press conference afterwards Martin reassures fans that, "the boys all believe in what we're trying to do here, and it'll come good with time." Meanwhile, Chris Martin stands on a sodden touchline at Ibrox looking utterly miserable in a suit and brown brogues, as Livingston fight back from 1-0 down to defeat Rangers 3-1. Incensed fans with raging faces (fresh from re-recording the video for "Orange") try to break into the press room at full time, but an embattled Martin vows to fight on, declaring that, "this is a massive club, and I know we're going through a bad patch. But rest assured: I will try to fix you."
October
The Louvre heist suspects have reached Oban, where they hail a Calmac ferry and head South-West towards Colonsay. French police officers follow in a wee rubber dinghy, playing straight into the (alleged) robbers' hands, as they lead the polis to the infamous Corrywreckan Whirlpool. The larger Calmac ferry passes straight over the whirlpool, but the police dinghy gets sucked into the venemous undercurrents of an infinite loop. Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer and Chief Stooge Wes Streeting vow to do "everything in our power" to free the French officers ASAP, so they can get back on dry land to fulfil their duty to the public and arrest some trans people for some reason.
Now losing his mind with jealousy, Justin Trudeau hires the only person with the requisite experience of catching adulterers: Rangers' beleaguered manager Chris Martin. Trudeau personally pays for Martin's flight (saving £200 for a family of four with Jet2 Holidays), and gets him to install a Kiss Cam outside Steve Clarke's hotel room in Barbados, where he is on an extended break following Scotland's World Cup win. Amazingly, Katy Perry is staying in the exact same hotel, and does indeed stop for a long chat with a deadpan Clarke outside his room at midnight. However, the Kiss Cam audio fails at just the wrong moment, after Owen Coyle sneaks into the hotel and turns down the volume.
November
Cory Booker's filibuster speech continues, as the New Jersey Senator (now running purely on fumes and adrenaline) begins to list every city in the world in descending order of size. Dozens of exhausted fact-checkers are now required to run through Wikipedia, with Bernie Sanders setting up camp outside The Capitol building to once again ask for them to become unionised. Booker deftly sidesteps many of the more contentious points (e.g. 'Beijing' vs. 'Peking', how many of Manchester's suburbs count as part of Manchester), but comes unstuck when he forgets that Dunfermline is now technically a city after winning a Platinum Jubilee thing in 2022. "Never mind", Booker muses, "I'll start again from the top." At the Swift-Kelce wedding rehearsal, an incredibly hairless Gianni Infantinfo rages that "nobody likes long pointless speeches", before awarding the latest "FIFA Peace Prize" to Hans Gruber for keeping the employees of Nakatomi Plaza busy and entertained during a tense Christmas.
The PPV bout between the world's two most mildly irritating toys finally takes place inside a sold-out Wembley Stadium: Labubu vs. Capybara. A fully-costumed Labubu walks to the ring to its iconic theme tune (lyrics: "La-bu-bu! La-bu; La-bu; La-bu-bu!!!"), while Capybara marches down the aisle to the sound of its own legendary song (lyrics: "CA-PY-BA-RA! Capybara; Capybara; Capybara; Capybara; CA-PY-BA-RA!!!") Rival boxing promoters Frank Warren and Eddie Hearn stand at ringside for the first few cagey rounds, as Capybara attempts to use its webbed feet to attack Labubu, but Labubu just keeps hanging on for dear life to the outside of the turnbuckles. A match described as Good Ol' JR as "bowling-shoe ugly" ends in a double count-out, after a run-in and violent assault by the Portland Antifa Frog leaves both characters badly concussed. As they stagger to their feet, they both groggily remove their costumed heads to reveal Justin Trudeau and Steve Clarke, with a deadpan Clarke scarpering from the arena as a raging Trudeau follows in hot pursuit (still wearing the rest of his Labubu outfit).
December
The festive TV schedule is dominated by the celebrity special of Pee To Peer. Lord Mandelson rounds up a group of A-listers including Benedict Cumberbatch, Madonna, the Portland Antifa Frog, Thanos and Phillip Schofield (described by Andrew Yang as "a true Cambodian original"), whisking them all to Washington but dropping them four miles from their hotel. Madonna is first to make it back (after hailing a passing Jet2 plane), while Thanos uses his massive fists to smash a shortcut through several buildings. The Eternal-Deviant warlord from the moon Titan accidentally smashes through the West Wing of the White House (the only wing that was left) and ends up in The Capitol building, where Cory Booker is still reciting the names of every single player in Arsenal's history, at the request of smiling New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani. Thanos attempts to end the filibuster speech by informing Booker about the phenomenal new Christmas sale at Warren James, but Booker refuses to stop, pointing out that, "I'm going alphabetically and I've only just reached Freddie Ljungberg!"
The Pee To Peer contestants all head down the street to the Kennedy Center, where the Swift-Kelce wedding rehearsal is still stalling, as Gianni Infantino interrupts again to award the next "FIFA Peace Price" to Benito Mussolini for "uniting the people of Italy in a common goal." Rio Ferdinand partakes of an incredibly awkward 'bit' with some Canadian hockey player, arguing over who got more caps, with viewers left unsure if it was part of the script or not. Infantino offers to conduct the entire ceremony, "since FIFA is now the official happiness provider for humanity", but Swift finally snaps and has Infantino physically removed from the premises by a posse of friends including Abigail Anderson, Blake Lively and Selena Gomez. After finding a real priest nearby (the new American Pope) and speed-running the ceremony, Swift and Kelce dash swiftly (no pun intended) to the reception - with guests arriving in a series of Honda Civics as filming continues on Top Top Top Top Top Gear - while the Louvre heist suspects arrive with Santa Claus on a Jet2 sleigh to gift the happy couple eight pieces of the French Crown Jewels. Swift raises eyebrows in her thank-you speech to well-wishers by reigniting her decade-old feud with Katy Perry, informing guests (and a shocked Kelce) that, "Oh btw honey...... I dated Steve Clarke first."
HAPPY NEW YEAR
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