2025 Predictions

 January

In the Hootenanny studio, an increasingly tipsy Jools Holland unveils plans to turn his annual shindig into a daily extravaganza. Titled "Jools' Nightly Hootenanny", the show features Holland counting down to midnight every single evening with a host of stars, before releasing party poppers and raising a glass at the iconic moment the Hootenanny clock strikes 12! Jools then staggers round the studio to his piano and proceeds to play boogie-woogie over a number of songs, as enthralled studio guests (including Vic Reeves) clap along. Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer miraculously manages to nab free hospitality tickets for the entire year of shows, noting that, "I've been a fan of Jools' Nightly Hootenanny since I was a boy! My father was a toolmaker."

Oasis struggle to meet the demand for their comeback gigs across the UK & Ireland, and turn to Rangers in desperation. At a top-secret dinner in the Glasgow branch of Di Maggios, the Gallagher brothers meet with manager Philippe Clement and his backroom staff to thrash out details of a series of Ibrox concerts in August. The contract stipulates that Oasis must cover a number of local classics such as "We Are The People", "Simply The Best" and "Follow Follow", but cash-strapped Rangers will only recoup 10% of the profits from the gigs, with Liam and Noel netting 45% each for their divorce fund savings. At a hastily-arranged press conference next to the Duke of Wellington cone, Clement sees things differently from the assembled press pack, claiming that, "it was a very impressive performance: we spoke more words than them; we had more of the food; the Diavola pizza was finished with aplomb; and we paid more of the tip than our xG [Expected Gratitude] was predicting."

February

Tom Cruise has a sudden epiphany and realises he dropped his spare car keys at some point during the Olympics Closing Ceremony. The erratic superstar is watching a fantastic new episode of Jools' Nightly Hootenanny (featuring Suede, Katherine Priddy and Paul Heaton) when he suddenly pulls the face that people pull when they think they've left the cooker on. Cruise frantically attempts to retrace his steps, jogging back down to the site of the handover ceremony at Long Beach, California, where he rakes through bins and nearby bushes with the help of Billie Eilish and Snoop Dogg. The Red Hot Chili Peppers (inexplicably still shirtless) continue to play a specially extended version of "By The Way", as Cruise speeds off on a motorbike, pledging to find his keys, "if it's the LAST thing I do".

The hit movie of the late-winter / early-spring period is another sequel in the iconic Gladiator franchise. Ostensibly set inside the Coliseum of Rome (but seemingly filmed inside the Sheffield Arena), "Gladiators III" sees Bradley Walsh hosting with several of his children, as film star Paul Mescal dresses up in Roman attire to conquer challenges such as "The Wall" and "Duel" against Giant, Nitro, Apollo and Gary's Barlow's Massive Son, while fearsome sharks swim around the perimeter in a big moat. Legend wastes an inordinate amount of time doing press-ups before fighting a massive bear, then runs away, grabs the mic and tells a baying crowd that, "not to brag, but... I was sensational out there." Viper and Sabre keep trying to cheat on Duel by bringing in full-sized swords, with referee Mark Clattenburg having no choice but to eject them from the Coliseum, where they head to Downtown Rome and enjoy a new episode of Jools' Nightly Hootenanny (counting down to 1am, because of the time difference).

March

20 years on from the Live 8 concerts, Sir Bob Geldof calls an emergency press conference with Midge Ure in London to unveil a new campaign to #MakeAugustHistory. The angry Dubliner appears close to tears as he makes an impassioned plea for the hated month to be consigned to the dustbin of history, pointing out that every August for the past 20+ years has promised more sunny weather but then delivered nothing but floods, subtly fading light and bad energy. Ure launches a PowerPoint presentation featuring footage of cars floating away in Italian floods and sodden concert-goers in Reading / Leeds, to highlight the scale of the problem. Pledging to do "everything in our power to eradicate the scourge of August", Geldof plays CCTV footage of a hillwalker cursing his luck and postponing a Munro climb due to yet another yellow weather warning, muttering, "...it's disgusting. And we won't stand for it any more."

The latest edition of the classic Channel 4 show "Name Swap" sees director Richard Curtis swap places with Professor John Curtice for a fortnight. Richard Curtis quickly gains a reputation for top-class psephology, appearing on a host of political podcasts with Beth Rigby and Rory Stewart to make astute observations like, "the SNP haven't had their troubles to seek, but Scottish Labour's recent polling slump will worsen if voters feel they are indistinguishable from the Conservatives". Meanwhile, Prof. Curtice directs a British rom-com called "Polling Day" (which manages to be unnecessarily smutty and yet still really cheesy), with an ensemble cast including Hugh Grant, Emma Thomson, Colin Firth and Keira Knightley all attempting to fall in love with each other by 10pm on Election Night for some reason. Name Swap battles it out each night with Jools' Nightly Hootenanny, with stars such as Ed Sheeran, Nerina Pallot and Seal (and Vic Reeves in the audience) performing a string of hits for an increasingly tipsy Jools Holland, although the midnight countdown is controversially botched when the clocks change at the end of the month.

April

Tom Cruise has reached the Rocky Mountains in Colorado in his quest to retrieve his spare car keys, when a tricky climb of Mount Elbert is hit by a torrential downpour. A ghostly figure emerges from the mist, revealing himself to be ex-PM Rishi Sunak (standing in a drenched suit, shirt and tie). The joyless billionaire informs Cruise that his keys are likely to be lost, and that, "not a single penny of public money should be wasted on this woke quest", before asking for directions to California. An incensed Cruise decks Sunak (as the shirtless Red Hot Chili Peppers continue to play a specially extended version of By The Way behind him), before perching awkwardly on the summit cairn and attempting to use the ropey 3G signal to order new jewellery from the unbeatable new sale at Warren James.

Ibrox is hit by unexpected delays to renovation work before the Oasis concerts, with another massive crane accidentally getting stuck on the pitch halfway through a home game with Hibs. A penalty is (naturally) awarded to Rangers but captain James Tavernier still misses, after struggling to chip the ball over the crane. Manager Philippe Clement cuts a frustrated figure on the touchline, as the match has to be finished at Hampden later that night, but comes out fighting in a midnight press conference (awkwardly overlapping with Jools' Nightly Hootenanny). The frustrated Belgian claims that, "we had more of the ball; the crane was an excellent last line of defence; and I was happy with the efforts of my team", before donning a hard hat & hi-viz vest and mucking in with a spade.

May

Every major global popstar gathers at a top-secret recording studio in London to record Sir Bob Geldof's new charity single, "I Don't Like August". The incensed wizard focusses the minds of stars such as Harry Styles, Beyoncé, Sabrina Carpenter and Chas & Dave by playing a video of Runrig's rain-drenched Loch Ness concert in August 2007, arguing that, "it is incumbent on everyone in this room to ensure we never see these horrific scenes again". Bono flies in later in the evening and manages to nick the song's most iconic line, "And they can see no seasons, cause there are no seasons!" I Don't Like August shoots straight to No.1 in 58 countries and raises money for a benefit concert in the summer with the aim of seeing off August once and for all, helped along by the rousing final chorus, "I wanna shoo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oot... the whole month down!"

Rangers are forced to finish the season at Lesser Hampden, as Hampden is being prepared for the Lana Del Rey concert and Ibrox is still hit by delays to renovation work ahead of Oasis. The Gallaghers become increasingly tetchy at the thought of the gigs being cancelled, with Liam appearing on Jools' Nightly Hootenanny (in front of a studio audience including Vic Reeves) and calling out Big Phil Clement, stating: "Our Kid just has to sort it out. If not I'll smash him: simple as." Wearing a hard hat and hi-viz vest, Clement has to face the ire of incensed Rangers fans outside Ibrox, who are now joined by coked-up Oasis fans screaming abuse and struggling to walk normally. A ghostly figure emerges from the front door of the main stand, revealing himself to be Rishi Sunak. In a sodden suit, shirt and tie (even though it hasn't rained all day), Sunak announces that Ibrox will remain closed until further notice, before quelling the anger of fans by pulling up a big telly on wheels and putting on "Gladiators III", where Legend has had a leg chewed off by one of the sharks and a jovial Russell Crowe keeps setting boobie traps for Paul Mescal.

June

Tom Cruise's journey has taken him to the Atlantic Ocean, as the agitated superstar tries to trace the route he flew from Paris to LA during the Olympics Closing Ceremony, but using a boat. He lands up in the sunny Channel Islands, where a BBC film crew immediately apprehend him and ask to turn the situation into yet another docu-series where a celebrity goes travelling and tasting wine (ideally with one of their parents). Cruise promises to circumnavigate the whole of Jersey and Guernsey - and potentially even Alderney, Sark and Herm - but only ("ONLY!!!") once his beloved spare car keys are retrieved. The Red Hot Chili Peppers hover in the background at St. Peter Port harbour in a yacht, still playing a specially extended version of By The Way underneath a spectacular Aurora Borealis display.

The first ever summer-long Club World Cup is a massive success, with pubs and houses across England festooned in flags bearing the club crests of Chelsea and Manchester City, as TV adverts show families and groups of lads hosting barbecues for "The Big Game". The Round-of-16 clash between Al Ahly and Botafogo goes to extra time, causing a surge in the UK National Grid, while Real Madrid's incredible 2-0 victory over Pachuca causes a frantic rewrite to an Eastenders scene as Phil Mitchell and "Kaffy" attempt to find a pub to watch the game in. With footie fever gripping the entire planet, PM Sir Keir Starmer manages to nab free tickets for the final, spluttering that, "with respect, I've been watching the Club World Cup since I was a lad! My father was a toolmaker."

July

The big summer hit sees Blackpink singer ROSÉ team up with Bruno Mars to educate people on the importance of Air Passenger Duty. The song, entitled "APD", sees Rosé and Mars dancing deliriously on the runway at a sunny Prestwick Airport, as Ryanair baggage staff exclaim the benefits of taxing aircraft proportionately in an attempt to offset the wider impact of international air travel. The video goes viral on social media, helped by energetic lyrics like, "Any aircraft leaving the UK or Isle of Man weighing over 5.7 tonnes is liable to this charge", and, "Fly tomorrow but tonight go crazy! All you gotta do is just tax me at the - APD! APD!" With Ibrox (and Manchester's Co-Op Live) still out of bounds due to unexpected delays in construction work, Oasis investigate the viability of using the runway as a makeshift concert venue, with site manager Big Phil Clement (still wearing a hard hat and hi-viz vest) nothing wryly that, "I've been trying to get Tavernier to an airport since I got here."

On the last day of July, the #MakeAugustHistory concert piles pressure on politicians to cancel the most underwhelming month of the year. In a sold-out Hyde Park, Bono releases 31 white doves (one for each day of the cursed month) during U2's emotional rendition of "August Bloody August", while Taylor Swift wows the crowd with a special 20-minute version of "All Too Well", which focusses on an escalating dispute over a botched Hermes delivery last August. As ever, the night ends with Sir Paul McCartney coming on to sing the chorus of "Hey Jude", before Geldof finds PM Sir Keir Starmer backstage (enjoying some free hospitality) and drags him onstage, causing Starmer to buckle to pressure and agree to outlaw August just in time! The rapturous celebrations (underneath a wondrous display of the Northern Lights) are interrupted by Oasis, who barge their way onstage and come swinging for Starmer, pointing out that all their Ibrox concerts were planned for August and they now stand to lose 70% of their divorce fund gig revenue, before chasing Starmer off into the night with their patented swagger.

September

The UK emerges from a vortex created by the #MakeAugustHistory gig and discovers that the worst month of the year has finally been skipped. However, an irate (and increasingly tipsy) Jools Holland loses a month of Hootennanys, and the start of the Premier League season is thrown into chaos, with Gary Lineker arguing (on his new infinite 24/7 podcast "The Rest Is Lineker") that the only solution is to play matches every night until they catch up. Manchester City (now demoted to the Championship after losing their court case) continue their patchy run of form, which has now extended to only two wins in their last 49 games, with an increasingly stressed Pep Guardiola scratching most of his face off after losing his fifth game of the week at Plymouth Argyle. Oasis continue to shoulder-barge through the streets of London looking for Starmer, who escapes to Anfield for the rearranged Liverpool vs. Newcastle match with some free hospitality tickets.

South Korean President Yoon Suk Yeol launches his most audacious coup yet, breaking into the studio of Jools' Nightly Hootenanny and attempting to close the show down. President Yoon scales the walls of the TV set and clambers over the massive clock at the back of the studio, halfway through a special boogie-woogie version of "APD" by Florence + The Machine and Rod Stewart. When Holland hears Yoon declaring martial law he inadvertently mistakes it for a band name, and attempts to introduce, "the fabulous, the wonderful, Marshall Law everybody! Give it up for Marshall Law!!" Yoon argues that a nightly Hootenanny "dilutes the very concept of Hootenanny", but an increasingly tipsy Holland staggers across the stage and wedges Yoon's head in the piano, before raising his glass for the show's patented "Happy New Day! HOOTENANNY!!!" catchphrase, as President Yoon scarpers to the car park to admire the Northern Lights display with Vic Reeves.

October

Renovation work at Ibrox shows no signs of a conclusion, with the gigantic crane now starting to sink into the pitch as Rangers are forced to play crucial Europa League games on the 5-a-side pitches at the back of Glasgow Green. The phone lines on Super Scoreboard are jammed with gruff men called Billy blaming James Tavernier for the entire mess and claiming that, "out of all the builders on that site yesterday, for me, only Butland gets pass marks!" Oasis finally find Sir Keir Starmer (enjoying free hospitality at another screening of Gladiators III at Vue St. Enoch), but a terrified Starmer blames the mess on Rangers, causing Liam and Noel to reach the only logical conclusion and start wrestling each other. At a dark and spooky Ibrox, a Halloween soundcheck is interrupted by Owen Coyle dressing up as a Gallagher, sneaking in through a side door and turning the volume down.

The prestigious Ballon d'Or ceremony is marred by ugly scenes as Rio Ferdinand rushes to the stage and starts shouting "BALLON D'OR! BALLON D'OR!! BALLON D'OR!!!". The lavish red-carpet event at the Théâtre du Châtelet in Paris is originally going well, with Man Utd / Man City taking the prize for "Funniest Losing Run" in an historic tie and Rangers winning the coveted award for "Most Delayed Stadium Renovation". But the final award for the world's best male footballer sees Ferdinand invade the stage, barging Kylian Mbappe, Vinicius Junior and Virgil van Dijk out the way and shouting, "Arite arite Kylian, amma let you finish, but can I just say - BALLON D'OR! BALLON D'OR!! BALLON D'OR!!!" Ferdinand leads the crowd in a euphoric chant of "BALLON D'OR!!!" as he is escorted from the premises by security, with a passing Tom Cruise (finally arriving back in Paris) grabbing him by the lapels and asking him if he's seen his spare car keys.

November

Summer enthusiast George Ezra attempts to sue Sir Bob Geldof for Making August History. In tense scenes at the Supreme Court, the sunburnt singer concedes that, "August might be the worst month of summer, but I'd take the worst summer month over the best winter month... any day of the week!" Geldof and Bono call several witnesses to the stand (including Chappell Roan, Dua Lipa and Hugh Keevins), who all recall family holidays to Millport being interrupted by surprisingly rubbish weather, as ice-cream stalls and funfairs close early due to the Scottish schools going back before English ones. Geldof's decision to ban August is upheld by the Supreme Court, but Ezra is invited by Geldof (and Vic Reeves) to a recording of Jools' Nightly Hootenanny to heal the rift, where an increasingly tipsy Holland can barely stand at midnight to toast the "Happy New Day!", and has to be lifted up by special guests Tom Jones, First Aid Kit (ironically using a first aid kit) and the Manic Street Preachers.

With Christmas fast approaching, a heartwarming new pantomime finally draws a line under the two most troubling Scottish stories of 2024. Staged in the Pavilion Theatre, "Baby Reindeer And The Chocolate Factory" sees Santa's reindeer convincing their newborn fawn to apply for the golden ticket to an AI-generated Willy Wonka factory in a Glasgow warehouse. A star-studded cast includes Elaine C. Smith, Grado and some folk from Still Game / Scot Squad, as the reindeer grows up and starts to become too intense in its interactions with Wonka, leading to an emotional argument outside Ibrox (both Wonka and the reindeer are barred from entering, due to ongoing renovation works). PM Sir Keir Starmer nets free hospitality for the panto, screaming with tears in his eyes that, "tbf I've been a massive fan of Baby Reindeer And The Chocolate Factory for my entire life!!! My father was a toolmaker..."

December

The release of the festive TV schedule raises some eyebrows, as BBC One decides to swap the main characters from 2024's two smash hits to try and maximise ratings. A total audience of 15m (19m including iPlayer) sits down for "Wallace and Stacey", where Wallace attempts to build a flux capacitor to transport Stacey and her family from Billericay to the Welsh valleys on Christmas Eve without having to deal with the M4, which is now gridlocked due to Oasis fans trying to get to Ibrox. A less successful spin-off show, "Gavin and Gromit", features Gavlar having to hire Gromit to drive a van around (after Smithy leaves to front a surprisingly successful late-night US talk show), with hilarity ensuing as Gromit careers into roundabout signs and veers close to bus lanes. James Corden manages to play a leading role in both shows, with the plasticine version hailed by critics for being "marginally less annoying".

With renovation work finally complete at Ibrox, fans flock to Govan for the festive comeback of Oasis. Site manager Big Phil Clement (still wearing a hi-viz vest, but replacing his hard hat with a Santa hat) struggles to build a four-man wall for the rehearsal of Wonderwall, before guests including Father Christmas, Phillip Schofield and Sir Keir Starmer file into the VIP box during Sir Bob Geldof's rendition of "I Don't Like August" in the support slot. The first strains of Cigarettes And Alcohol are just beginning when a helicopter appears in the night sky over Ibrox, before Tom Cruise abseils onto the pitch (followed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers playing a specially extended version of By The Way) and promptly sprints up to the VIP box, finding his spare car keys under Starmer! Following him out of the helicopter is Rishi Sunak in a snow-drenched suit, shirt and tie, with the diminutive Tory informing the masses (in front of a stunning Aurora Borealis) that the gig is postponed until further notice after Laura Kuenssberg accidentally emailed the entire setlist to journalists.

HAPPY NEW DAY