2024 Predictions

January

Gary Lineker becomes clinically addicted to recording and commissioning podcasts, and begins to muddle all the different shows in his head. The perma-tanned crisp-eater is recording an episode of "Match Of The Day Top 10" when he accidentally asks Alan Shearer how long PM Rishi Sunak has to turn results round after a bad run of polls. With his Goalhanger Podcasts company now producing "The Rest Is Football", "The Rest Is Politics", "The Rest Is History" and "The Rest Is Entertainment", Lineker now spends up to 19 hours a day overseeing jovial questions to other men who like puns. The concept turns meta when Lineker launches a new podcast investigating his own obsession with podcasts - "The Rest Is Podcasting" - halfway through an episode of The Rest Is Football, causing a confused Micah Richards to collapse with laughter and Shearer to swear for the 19th time in the episode.

The hunt to find the moron who felled the beloved Sycamore Gap tree at Hadrian's Wall turns up a notch, with Northumbria Police launching a social media campaign to #FindTheFeller. A crack team of English outdoor-lovers such as Julia Bradbury, Chris Packham and George Monbiot are dispatched across the British Isles to investigate any tree-sized packages that may have been smuggled out of Northumberland since September. Police Scotland instantly convince themselves that the tree must be under the Murrells' back garden, returning to dig up the grass once again. A spokesperson informs a ruck of 870 journalists outside the front door that, "it's quite simple really: they have a tree, we're missing a tree...... they're guilty as charged, when you think about it."

February

Luis Rubiales, disgraced ex-President of the Royal Spanish Football Federation, is lined up to present a controversial re-boot of Take Me Out. The baldest man in showbiz embraces all female contestants (but never the bloke stood in the middle), before offering to take all the losing contestants out for a post-show dinner "as a consolation prize". The former Hamilton Accies utility man (3 appearances, 0 goals) unveils his new catchphrase "No me gusta, no ligero", which is Spanish for "No likey, no lighty". Rubiales is promptly jailed after being convicted on 86 counts of stalking, allowing Gary Lineker and Jeffrey Archer to interview the Kojak lookalike for the unbelievable new podcast, "The Rest Is Prison".

Conspiracy theorists come up with their most audacious claim yet, loudly arguing that there are no seasons. The group of berks (calling themselves "Just Start Oil") claim that seasons are all just another part of The Global Climate Scam, and that the weather in every country never changes from month to month. Just Start Oil invade the pitch at Murrayfield during a crunch Calcutta Cup clash with England, bringing out a massive overhead projector like the ones schools used to have, and showing a series of YouTube videos proving that temperatures never actually change from January to July. Six Nations fanatic Princess Anne interrupts the presentation to point out that all the data was gathered in equatorial countries like Ghana, Singapore and, well, Ecuador, before rugby-tackling the balds one by one and escaping with the Calcutta Cup.

March

Terror suspect Daniel Khalife manages to escape again from HM Prison Wandsworth, after staff are distracted by an episode of Gary Lineker's incredible new hillwalking podcast, "The Rest Is Munros" (with special guests including Muriel Gray, Cameron McNeish and WalkHighlands). Khalife plots an adventurous route, aiming to make it further than Chiswick this time, and jumps on a red London bus brilliantly disguised as the Easter Bunny. A nationwide trawl of CCTV footage reveals that the hapless escapee has already travelled up to 4.3 miles from the prison, but it remains unclear which bus is housing him. Prime Minister Rishi Sunak announces that the UK General Election is indefinitely postponed until Khalife is caught, raging that, "This is costing the British taxpayer up to hundreds of pounds. The government will not accept this goon escaping again. Enough is enough: Stop The Buses!"

Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta becomes increasingly obsessed with saying "clear and obvious" after every VAR decision, eventually dedicating an entire interview to just using the phrase on a loop after a routine 2-0 home win over Burnley. The tactic wows BBC executives, who give Arteta his own gameshow, "Clear And Obvious" on prime-time Saturday nights, replacing Casualty (because it's been on *forever*). Contestants have to answer a series of general-knowledge questions while advancing up a fake football pitch, with Arteta responding to every single answer with "clear and obvious" (in a congratulatory tone for right answers, and a mocking tone for wrong answers). The BBC's attempts to sell "Clear And Obvious" t-shirts clear the corporation's charter, with Director-General Tim Davie wryly noting that, "it's ok, we only really monitor Lineker".

April

Daniel Khalife has reached Watford in his fugitive odyssey, and has reached the outer limits of the London bus network. Reaching for his phone, he asks an AI chat function if he can rely on First Bus to get him out of trouble, receiving the instant response: "Have...... have you *seen* First Bus?"

The quest to #FindTheFeller leads Julia Bradbury, Chris Packham and George Monbiot to leafy North London, where Spurs manager Ange Postecoglou is interviewed about the Sycamore Gap tree's disappearance. The straight-talking Aussie wows Bradbury with the clarity and directness of his answers, and quips: "Well look - I mean, I think if I had such a famous tree in my garden, I'd be talking about it every day mate." Big Ange inspires Packham to pursue a more front-foot, attacking approach to finding the culprit, winning plaudits from conservation pundits like Sir David Attenborough and Greta Thunberg for his progressive philosophy. Postecoglou donates his wooly black jumper from his Celtic days to charity and pledges never to buy any form of wool again, out of respect for The Wee Sheep That Was Stranded On That Cliff For Two Years.

May

The manhunt for Daniel Khalife reaches Milton Keynes, with Rishi Sunak jumping on a Megabus at one of the city's iconic roundabouts and ordering the driver to, "FOLLOW THAT BUS!!! STOP THE BUSES!!! BUT NOT THE ONE WE'RE ON!!!" The Prime Minister faces criticism for ignoring the doubling of everyone's mortgages / rents / energy bills, but carries on unbowed, pledging to "focus on the people's priority, which is to catch this slightly odd-looking chap ASAP". Micah Richards dials into "The Rest Is Politics" from his hospital bed, and re-injures his ribcage as he splutters: "YOU'RE NOT GONNA CATCH HIM IN A BUS!!!! AHAHAHA COME ON GARY - I mean Alistair / Rory." Shearer attempts to raise Richards' spirits by buying some cut-price jewellery from the stupendous new sale now underway at Warren James.

Olly Alexander is sacked as the UK's representative for Eurovision for being too anti-genocide, and replaced with a tape of Micah Richards laughing. The ex-Man City defender is still hospitalised from laughing too hard, but luckily Lineker has 748 hours audio of Richards gutting himself at the question, "Do you think Spurs are a better team without Harry Kane?" A hologram of Richards appears on stage in Stockholm as audio of his iconic laugh is played over Euro-style 90s house music, and commentator Graham Norton notes that "This really *has* gone down well with the audience." Richards wins the public vote by a landslide, but Loreen still wins the judges' vote and takes the crown, despite not even entering.

June

Scotland get off to a blinder at Euro 2024, leading hosts Germany 3-0 at half time in the opening match. John McGinn plays a neat series of 1-2s with Scott McTominay (all using his backside) for the third goal, after an electrifying opening ceremony crowned by Mikel Arteta's sultry rendition of the the theme tune for "Clear And Obvious" (to the rough tune of Hearsay's "Pure and Simple"). However, the match is paused due to a torrential downpour at the Allianz Arena that leaves the entire pitch and advertising boards underwater. A deadpan Steve Clarke quips that "we certainly opened the floodgates in the first half, but look - we're no getting carried away" as the stadium DJ subverts the concept by playing every Travis song except "Why Does It Always Rain On Me?"

Global pop superstar P!nk is surprised by fans during her second night live at Hampden, who present her with The Wee Sheep That Was Stranded On That Cliff For Two Years. The singer is halfway through a barnstorming rendition of Raise Your Glass when a tweed-wearing Highland farmer runs on stage holding Fiona The Ewe and chucks her to a confused P!nk, who drops the mic and catches her first time. P!nk and Fiona perform a breathless duet of "U + Ur Hoof" as fireworks light up the Mount Florida sky, before dancing the night away at The Shed nightclub (on the sheep's insistence).

July

The blockbuster summer film shines the spotlight on a secret portal to one of England's less fashionable cities. "Derbie" sees Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling trapped in the East Midlands without access to beaches, proper mountains or decent football teams. With a lack of obvious cultural references in Derby, the film is forced to borrow from nearby cities like Leicester and Nottingham, with every man going by the name of "Clough" and stealing Claudio Ranieri's classic "Dilly Ding Dilly Dong!" catchphrase. Eventually Robbie and Gosling are able to escape through a portal to Sheffield (with the help of Rotherham's legendary Chuckle Brothers building a hole in the space-time continuum), where they find an upside-down world in which nobody has heard of Derby. A group of film buffs attempt to dress up in Derbie / Oppenheimer clothing for a double-viewing (which becomes known as "Derbemheimer"), leading to everyone's Da making the same joke on Facebook about Derby and nuclear fallout zones.

Every match at Euro 2024 has now been completed, except for Scotland's Group A opener with Germany, which remains paused due to 18 feet of rain in Munich. England have already filled the other slot in the final, after a Jude Bellingham hat-trick cancelled out two more Harry Maguire own goals in the semi-final win over France. The stadium DJ has run through every other famous Travis song, from "Sing" and "Turn" right through to all the others, and cracks open the mighty Runrig's back catalogue to the delight of both sets of supporters. Packham, Bradbury and Monbiot have collected over 12,000 trees in their #FindTheFeller search, and stop off in Munich to build a massive big dam around the stadium to keep out any more floodwater.

August

The pressure grows on Scottish Health Secretary Michael Matheson, after more shocking relevations emerge about his children's frivolous spending. A Dispatches investigation reveals that his kids secretly voted on The Masked Singer up to three times without asking the permission of the bill-payer, before accidentally adding two gummy bears to a pic'n'mix bag at the funfair *after* paying. Holyrood is recalled from summer recess for a string of Unionist politicians to turn red in the face and demand the collapse of the SNP / Green government. Jackie Baillie bristles with rage as she thunders: "Voting for Jacket Potato? Why not a more talented singer, like Otter or Jellyfish? Scotland has had enough: The Nats. Must. Go!!!" A sheepish Matheson offers to refund the price of the three calls, but Michelle Mone argues that the penalty should be rounded up to £200m, just in case she suddenly has to manufacture more """PPE""".

The Olympic Games in Paris features its most innovative sport yet, after Michael Owen successfully lobbies to get apple-bin-throwing included in the official schedule. The diminutive film-avoider gives an impassioned speech in front of IOC delegates, arguing that, "there are 32 sports represented at the Olympics. I say: let's make that 33!" The event draws 80,000 spectators and an electric atmosphere to the Stade de France, as a collection of 48-yr-old male office workers in tight-fitting shirts finally get the chance to show off their greatest skill. Joey Barton sends a volley of abusive social media messages raging at the broadcast for being "an absolute disgrace and unbecoming of the Olympic Games", but only because Alex Scott was presenting.

September

The A83 at Rest And Be Thankful is closed again after the first heavy rainfall of the autumn. Despite being a notorious landslide spot for over a century, a solution is still difficult to find, until Gary Lineker arrives on site to commission a new podcast: "The Rest Is The Rest And Be Thankful". In this exciting new podcast, Lineker aims to run through a number of alternative options for the road layout (including new metal sheets, a series of tunnels and a complex system of pulleys & mirrors) with regular guests Alan Shearer and Micah Richards, now discharged from hospital. Shearer argues that the best solution is for the land to simply stop moving and "keep a high line", while Richards turns the situation into a pun about "Newcastle sliding down the table!!!!!", re-rupturing 4/7 of his ribcage in the ensuing laughter.

On the 10th anniversary of the referendum on Scottish independence, more embarrassing historical tweets come to light revealing that Taylor Swift's new boyfriend Travis Kelce backed "Better Together". A series of retweets are produced to prove that the Kansas City Chiefs 'tight end' stated in 2014: "Only by staying in the UK will Scotland remain in the EU", and liked a Johann Lamont tweet saying, "The strength and stability of the United Kingdom will protect Scottish pensions, mortgages and supermarket prices". Swift promptly dumps Kelce, recording a hastily-arranged break-up album with caustic lyrics such as, "You said we would be better together / Well why am I the one paying the price?", and, "He wanted security / Well maybe the only security I'll ever get / Is by leaving him". The whole album dominates the singles chart after a social media campaign by Swifties, pushing Mikel Arteta's hit "Clear And Obvious" down to No.13.

October

In Munich, Scotland have been attempting to restart their match (3-0, HT) against Germany for four months without success. The water level has now reached the stands, allowing fans to swim with the players as a pensive Steve Clarke watches on from a dinghy next to the dugout. First Minister Humza Yousaf offers to move the match to Scotland, but unfortunately Police Scotland have now dug up every patch of grass in the country looking for underground caravans. Rishi Sunak breaks off from his "STOP THE BUSES" campaign to shout at Clarke for sitting in a boat, screaming: "I STILL HATE BOATS TOO! AND HIGH-SPEED TRAINS!!" A deadpan Clarke replies, "On yer bike, son" to hearty laughter from the swimming fans, before adding, "but look - we're no getting carried away."

Escaped terror suspect Daniel Khalife reaches Birmingham on an Arriva bus from Coventry, evading capture by dressing up in a Scream mask and scary Dracula cape. Rishi Sunak follows in pursuit on a nearby private jet from Munich, but remains unable to capture Khalife since everyone else is also dressed in Halloween outfits. Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer joins the chase (in his own private jet), pledging his "full unwavering support to the Prime Minister, erm, just on this one policy. Boy this feels weird eh!?!" Police Scotland dig up the Murrells' garden once again "just in case", as UK airspace is closed to allow Sunak and Starmer to pursue the suspect, although chaos ensues when Owen Coyle sneaks into Air Traffic Control in Prestwick and turns the volume down.

November

Gary Lineker is now unable to complete simple tasks like doing the weekly shop without trying to turn everything into a podcast. On a routine visit to Tesco in Newcastle (on the way back from recording another episode of "The Rest Is Munros" on top of Ben Lomond), Lineker asks a member of staff where the eggs are, but before the worker can escape, Lineker has whipped out a microphone & headset and asked a series of softball questions about life in a supermarket. Calling the podcast "The Rest Is Shopping", the ex-England striker corners several cashiers and begs them for "at least one Gazza story". Lineker is allowed to keep his podcast-making licence after an industrial tribunal, on the proviso that he steers clear of any controversial political statements, like, "blowing up kids is bad".

A secret door in the BBC studios reveals a holding area containing every celebrity who passed away on St. Andrew's Day 2023. The room (similar to the one discovered in 2016) is chaired by Sir Michael Parkinson, who died earlier last year, and sees Henry Kissinger, Shane MacGowan and Alistair Darling swapping anecdotes of tales on the road and humorous run-ins with Billy Connolly. Kissinger angers MacGowan by threatening to carpet-bomb the Republic of Ireland halfway through the interview, causing MacGowan to neck eight shots of whisky and deck Kissinger. Darling calms the situation by announcing a package of sensible reforms to enable a flow of water and paracetamol to MacGowan, before reciting his legendary catchphrase one last time: "But what currency will the Nats use? Salmond won't say frankly!", to rapturous laughter and applause in the Parky studio. Jamie Cullum closes the show, as ever.

December

Daniel Khalife is forced to dress up as Robin Hood and jump onto a spluttering Stagecoach bus to Nottingham. However, the M1 past Donnington is blocked by the Sycamore Gap tree, forcing Khalife's bus through the portal into the filming of "Derbie". The ex-army fugitive alights at Derby's iconic bus station to be greeted by a partying Margot Robbie and Dua Lipa, a drunken feather-boaed Ryan Gosling (still wearing sunglasses) and the full army of Cloughs. With Sunak and Starmer's private jets circling overhead, Khalife dives into John Lewis and steals a Santa outfit from a display model. The pair eventually find Khalife in one of the old City Sprinter buses from Glasgow (after wiping the dirt off the windows), before Sunak screams into a megaphone, "THE GAME IS UP KHALIFE! STOP THE BUSES!!!" Khalife emerges from the bus with his hands above his head, and lists his simple demands: a presenting gig on Gary Lineker's tremendous new podcast ("The Rest Is Terrorism") and a spot on Team GB for the next apple-bin-throwing event at the 2028 Olympics. Sunak relents, with Starmer awkwardly copying him like the assistant coach in the Chewin' The Fat sketch.

The floodwaters are finally starting to recede from the Allianz Arena in Munich. However, England have been disqualified from Euro 2024 for producing too many podcasts, so Scotland vs. Germany becomes the final by default. The hosts pull two late goals back after everyone is distracted by a message on the big screen from The Wee Sheep That Was Stranded On That Cliff For Two Years, who confesses to walking the Pennine Way and chopping down the Sycamore Gap tree in a late-night drug-fuelled frenzy! Scotland hold on for the win, and captain Andy Robertson lifts the Euros trophy aloft to scenes of sodden jubilation. Princess Anne turns up with the Calcutta Cup and lobs it into a bag with the Euros trophy to take back to Caledonia, but loses the bag by misjudging her throw and accidentally lobbing it into one of the channels of water leaving the pitch. Steve Clarke jumps into his dinghy with the Princess Royal and frantically starts paddling downstream to find the bag, saying in a deadpan voice: "Hope this moves quicker than David Marshall", before getting swept over a rapid and bellowing in desperation: "but look: we *are* getting carried awaaaaaaaaaay...!!!"

HAPPY NEW YEAR