Monday, 31 December 2018

2018 Review

I hope someday
We'll sit down together
And laugh with each other
About these days, these days

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All our troubles
We'll lay to rest
And we'll wish we could come back
To these days, these days



12-30

Click here for 2019 Predictions
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2019 Predictions


January

With No Deal Brexit looming, The Sun launches a spirited new campaign to welcome back 1.5 million ex-pats from Europe. The campaign, entitled #TheyreComingHome, encourages Brits to roll out the red carpet for the sunburnt pensioners, as Health Secretary Matt Hancock allays fears by confirming that he has personally purchased 280,000 massive fridges for them to cool off in together. The OAPs are flown into Gatwick to a hero’s welcome and an uplifting live performance from Morrissey, but all connecting flights to Scotland and Belfast are cancelled when a mysterious drone is sighted above the runway. With all British immigrants trapped in Gatwick, airport authorities set them the task of vacuuming the Terminal 2 Wetherspoons with Dyson hoovers, in a nod to the only two pro-Brexit businessmen in the Universe.

At a global climate summit in Berlin, world leaders agree to swap the seasons round “for a bit of a laugh”. The delegates, including Emmanuel Macron, Angela Merkel, Phillip Schofield and Coronation Street’s Kevin Webster, discuss the ludicrous recent weather phenomena from ‘Beast From The East’ to the global heatwave. Dignitaries are cheered by last year’s news of the Arctic ozone hole healing, but agree that the only way to restore an equilibrium long-term is to crank up the craziness until the Earth’s climate automatically resets. Justin Trudeau is seen returning from the shops with 500 bottles of sun-tan lotion as 35o temperatures and sunshine fill the January German sky. An angry Da calls Super Scoreboard to blame the new record temperatures on Alex McLeish, the Hampden seating layout and “the beaks at the SFA”.

February

The House of Commons is finally ready to hold its ‘meaningful vote’ on Brexit, after Theresa May had delayed the January vote to enable the House to take a team-building summer sunbathing trip to Brighton. However, divisions are still rife throughout the Tories and Labour, with Jeremy Corbyn yelling that, “Mr. Speaker, the Prime Minister cannot be allowed to pose as a faux Remainer while seeking a fantasy deal from Brussels and running down the clock to No Deal”, pausing for comic effect before adding, “that’s my job”. The session is interrupted by the arrival of a mysterious drone in the chamber, before being chased away by a mace-wielding Boris Johnson. At Gatwick Airport, an increasingly sweaty Dominic Raab braves 38o temperatures to yell encouragement at the OAP pub-vacuumers, while explaining that planes fly very high in the sky, sometimes taking people or goods to other countries.

The “Find Your More” advertising campaigns from London-based marketing companies threaten to spiral out of control, with a series of increasingly ridiculous slogans with no grammatical structure. Commuters rushing for their morning quinoa at Waterloo Station are greeted with massive billboards urging them to “Let Your Cleverly” and “Brexit Your Poetic”, while shoppers approaching the Bullring Centre in Birmingham are stopped by the owners of a new ‘pop-up shop’ asking them to “Magnificent Your Stupider”. Marketing firms across the UK begin to join in with the trend, with a Glasgow-based consortium festooning Central Station with boards saying, “Pure Dead Your Brilliant”, and tourists outside the Titanic Museum in Belfast repeatedly being ordered to “Catch Yourself On With Your What About You”. A break-dancing Theresa May declares that, “it’s great to see the people of Our Precious United Kingdom coming together like this, Discovering Their Plenty and Thundering Their Darker. I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.”

March

The Garage becomes the latest Sauchiehall Street institution to suffer a devastating fire. With revellers busy jigging to Vladimir Putin’s chilling cover version of George Ezra’s Shotgun (with new lyrics), flames quickly envelop the entire building, but in keeping with local traditions no-one is killed or even remotely injured. An increasingly sweaty Dominic Raab arrives on the scene the next morning to help with the dampening down, and proclaims the stunning revelation that fire is very hot and can destroy buildings. Celtic rock legends Runrig briefly reform for a charity re-recording of “We Didn’t Start The Fire”, while a quick check of VAR confirms no involvement from shifty-looking locals like Dave King. King of the Jungle ‘Arry Redknapp pulls into the street and rolls down his car window, offering to take charge of Sauchiehall Street until the end of the season to steady the ship. The jovial Cockney notes that, “we could get Robbie Keane in, he’s never let me down, Bobby Zamora, and maybe some of those night-time security guards that stand outside disused warehouses with them big puffer jackets, that’ll scare the bastards off.”

With just hours remaining until the clock runs out on Article 50, May finally holds the ‘meaningful vote’ on Brexit, with the deal passing by a decisive and crushing majority of 3. A delirious May signs the deal and heads for the next Eurostar train to Brussels, only to find that services have been cancelled by the second storm of the autumn, named Storm Backstop. The PM hijacks a strong and stable yacht to cross the Channel, following a shining drone in a South-Easterly direction, but arrives at the European Parliament a disheveled mess at 11:01pm GMT. Britain has crashed out of the European Union. No Deal Brexit is here. An angry Da e-mails Question Time blaming Alex McLeish and “the beaks at the SFA”.

April

By the following Monday morning, cars and lorries are queued back from Dover to London on both the M2 and M20. Supermarkets begin to sell out of fresh fruit, while Jacob Rees-Mogg’s previous call for the British people to start making “innovative jams” falls on deaf ears, as everyone is too knackered from walking to work (due to the petrol crisis) to become preservative entrepreneurs. Elon Musk offers to build a massive inflatable life-raft powered by Earl Grey tea, but no-one is exactly sure what purpose such a life-raft would have. The Tories rebuff Musk’s offer, resulting in Musk calling every member of the UK Government “definite sex offenders”.

At a riotous Prime Minister’s Questions, Jeremy Corbyn is accused of muttering under his breath that, “I actually voted Leave and find all of this humorous”. A quick check of VAR confirms that the bearded allotment obsessee really said, “I actually wanted leaves and some fine olive humus”, while a Facebook conspiracy theory group remains convinced that he actually said either “Yanny” or “Laurel”. In the White House, Donald Trump breaks off from drowning women as witches to tweet: “GOOD LUCK TO THE UK WITH BREXIT! Great to see you taking back control without the UN-AMERICAN DEMS AND FAKE NOOZ stopping you, oh by the way I’m going to shaft you in this next trade deal, America First yeah? Who wants to see me punch a Nicaraguan kid?” An increasingly sweaty Dominic Raab confirms that the USA is a big country to the West of the Atlantic Ocean containing famous cities such as New York, Chicago and LA, before heading off to buy items to barter with the US in the incredible new sale at Warren James.

May

With the Scottish Premiership heading for a dramatic final weekend, the SPFL courts controversy by scheduling all 12 teams to play each other simultaneously inside Hampden Park. Beleaguered chief executive Neil Doncaster blames the fixture headache on Brexit and laments the lack of alternative options, adding that “all the clubs are on board with this and it should cut the police bill”. Celtic manager Brendan Rodgers remarks that, “well the situation isn’t ideal, but like I say, I’ll pick a team that I think can win this Royal Rumble”, while a pensive Steven Gerrard muses that, “eeeeeeeeeemmm well obviously I’m a bit worried like, that’s 121 other players for Alfredo Morelos to attack”. With half-time approaching and all 12 teams locked on two goals each, the match is temporarily halted as an overhead drone distracts referee Willie Collum. An angry Da calls Super Scoreboard to complain that the drone is the fault of Alex McLeish, the Hampden seating layout and “the beaks at the SPFL”.

No Deal Brexit has now left the UK without functioning taps, ceilings or necks. A YouGov poll finds support for Scottish independence at 49.9%, with crucial swing voters remaining unconvinced of the economic benefits. With winter approaching, Theresa May calls a COBRA meeting and appoints the cast of Peppa Pig as crisis tsars to avert catastrophe. A chuckling Daddy Pig remarks that “I’ll have a customs deal done in no time”, and sets about building a ‘Roadmap to Brexit’, before getting lost somewhere near the Irish border in Co. Armagh. Meanwhile, dinosaur enthusiast George Pig becomes embroiled in a tense argument with DUP leader Arlene Foster over the existence of Triceratops. An excited David Cameron makes repeated pleas to join the Peppa Pig COBRA meeting “for reasons of utmost national security”.

June

ITV’s newest hit show is a documentary following famous people called Will round the UK in an attempt to solve local disputes. The show, known as “Will Of The People”, features celebrities such as Will.i.Am, Will Smith, Will Ferrell and Will Carling driving through Rotherham and Margate to find tense stand-offs over local councillors’ overgrown hedges and double yellow parking. Every dispute ends with the Wills taking a town hall vote, which invariably results in a disputed 52-48 victory for one side following large-scale bribery and a dishonest bus. However, host Will.i.Am ignores protestations from the losing side, simply screaming “WILL OF THE PEOPLE!!! WILL OF THE PEOPLE!!!” through a gigantic megaphone. Willie Collum breaks off from the 12-team Scottish Rumble at Hampden to join the other Wills, leaving the match without a referee, a situation described as “a marked improvement” by a wry Neil Lennon.

The Backstreet Boys’ reunion gig at the Hydro is a resounding success, with the aging North Americans opening with a rendition of their big new hit, “Backstop’s Back, Alright!” The Boys outline the technical aspects of the much-anticipated Northern Irish backstop, with sizzling lyrics such as, “full regulatory alignment with the EU (but only on goods)” and, “can only be terminated by mutual agreement from Westminster and Brussels”, to rapturous applause and screaming. After a thrilling set (including the ceremonial torching of Article 50 to keep chittering fans warm as winter approaches), the Backstreet Boys sign off for the night by announcing news of a Panelbase poll that shows Yes support at 49.99999%. Outside the Hydro, David Mundell breaks off from mutilating a fox for supper to inform pop fans that Scottish independence would carry greater economic risk than No Deal Brexit.

July

Temperatures across the Northern Hemisphere plummet to -10o as winter begins to bite. All English cricket matches are moved to Indonesia, a situation described by Jacob Rees-Mogg as “an ignominiam that the Empire wouldn’t have stood for”. Every match at Wimbledon has to be played under the Centre Court roof with the big radiator on, with Andy Murray eventually winning the tournament after a pulsating five-set thriller against a polar bear. Following an enthralling 6-2 5-7 6-4 6-7 (5-7) 6-3 victory, Muzza remarks that, “yeah he was a tough opponent you know, he’s got a strong forehand and I had to watch out for him maybe eating me during changeovers”, to hearty laughter on a shivering Centre Court. A combination of the big freeze and No Deal Brexit has left Britain without any food except Pringles, beer and kebabs, with darts players the only human beings maintaining a steady weight.

With winter now taking place during summer, the Queen’s Christmas Day Speech is moved to July. Her Majesty reflects on the difficult year the UK has faced, noting that, “while Brexit has led to food and medicine shortages from Land’s End to John O’Groats, I have been struck by the common decency and resilience shown by ordinary people going about their blah blah de blah etc.” The speech is interrupted by a drone flying in through the Buckingham Palace window, before being chased from the premises by a possessed Prince Philip carrying a sawn-off shotgun. Elon Musk pledges to build a time-travelling nuclear bomb which will somehow dispense of the pesky drone, but when royal aides ask how exactly that would help the situation, Musk snaps and publicly defames them as “smelly arsonists”. The Daily Mail blame the botched Christmas Speech on Meghan Markle existing, while an angry Da on Super Scoreboard blames “McLeish, Hampden and the beaks at the SFA”.

August

A new undercover investigation show on Channel 4 called SouthgateGate features Gareth Southgate travelling around England in a beautiful M&S waistcoat uncovering betting scams and trading standards violations. The likeable Yorkshireman is accompanied for the sting operations by other iconic waistcoat-wearers such as Ryan Gosling and Dennis Taylor. Southgate uses his patented mix of gentle pragmatism and basic common sense, solving tense situations by putting an arm round the alleged culprits, explaining legal procedure and outlining health and safety legislation as it currently stands. SouthgateGate is interrupted by the filming of “Will Of The People”, as Will.i.Am and Will Ferrell career through a sleepy Hertfordshire village in a huge red bus shouting at locals to embrace lawbreaking. The two TV shows seem irreparably divided, before finally coming together to settle their differences by shoulder-barging violent Real Madrid tosser Sergio Ramos into a small quarry.

Sauchiehall Street is left cursing its luck again when a terrifying fire rips through Nandos. Crowds of 14-year-olds are forced to abandon dates to flee the flames, stopping for some dramatic selfies on the way out, while one quick-thinking Glaswegian somehow finds a way to incorporate the fire into the Jealous Girlfriend meme. Miraculously there are no fatalities or even minor injuries in the blaze, which leaves a cumulative total of 80% of the street now burnt to a cinder. Elon Musk announces plans to invent a revolutionary system that squirts out water all over Sauchiehall Street every time someone so much as lights a cigarette. An exasperated local councillor sighs in retort, “the……what…exactly do you mean? Like a sprinkler system, or just rain? Because we’ve kind of got them both already.” An incensed Musk sues Glasgow City Council for hurting his feelings and brand image, labelling them all “fat ugly terrorists”.

September

Britain lies caught in the grip of its worst winter since 2018, with the notorious “Guest From The West” bringing 120 centimetres of snowfall and a million penguins from Greenland. The Daily Mail froths itself into a rage over the “scary multi-coloured invaders”, while Chuka Umunna informs an icicle-encased Robert Peston that only a People’s Vote can reverse the harsh winter and magically return everything to normal like in Frozen. Theresa May resorts to crossing her fingers and hoping that the public confuse the national paralysis of No Deal Brexit with “Guest From The West”, a tactic that proves surprisingly successful in Leave-voting constituencies like Outer Rothernorth and Little Oakframpfield. An angry Da yells on Super Scoreboard that the unseasonably cold weather is the fault of “that DINOSAUR McLeish” for being too ginger.

The Scottish Rumble continues apace at Hampden, with Craig Levein protesting “clear refereeing bias” as Celtic, Rangers and Kilmarnock are all awarded penalties against Hearts at the same time. The penalties are saved when Wee Jamesy Forrest, Alfredo Morelos and Kris Boyd all run up together and accidentally stub each other’s toes. Amidst growing fears that the match simply cannot be stopped, new Championship winners Ayr United invade the pitch, with striker Lawrence Shankland effortlessly bagging hat-tricks against all 12 teams within half an hour. Watching Scotland boss Alex McLeish struggles to scout over 100 players simultaneously, eventually tweeting Elon Musk to ask for technological help to create a multi-camera system. The makers of VAR politely point out that such a system already exists, prompting a jealous Musk to publicly label them “a bunch of genocidal monkey-buggerers”.

October

There are controversial scenes in Millport when two random Russian gentlemen arrive suddenly one morning begging to see the cathedral. Introducing themselves as “StandUp4Brexit63482361” and “TrumpMAGA92802845”, and reading from a tourist brochure, the men proclaim: “We have travelled all the way to Millport to see your wonderful cathedral, which has one of the highest spires of any cathedral in North Ayrshire, standing at a magnificent 123 feet (or 37.4904 metres in metric form).” The pair then recall that as children in Vladivostock they often dreamed of cycling round the island and visiting the world-famous Crocodile Rock. As the men are arrested and the entire island sealed off for forensic investigations, an increasingly sweaty Dominic Raab informs the assembled press that Millport is an island which relies heavily on the shipping route to its main trading partner of Largs. A Guardian journalist gleefully informs Raab that the island is actually called Great Cumbrae, while chomping on a lovely Brexit dinner of pulled badger sandwich with Salt and Vinegar twiglets.

The Scottish Rumble at Hampden takes a surprising turn when Harry Kane arrives and tries to take credit for all goals previously scored. A defiant Kane begs new referee Richard Osman to check the VAR so he can bag the tournament’s Golden Boot award. However, No Deal Brexit has left the UK with only a semi-functioning electricity supply, rendering VAR almost as unreliable as normal refereeing. With Craig Gordon assembling a four-man wall for a Kilmarnock free-kick, Donald Trump interrupts the match with a message on the big screen declaring that: “You have to build the wall, just keep them all out, they’re bad news, they’re bringing crime and all these diseases and stuff, great guys, great guys, but they’re a bunch of jerks and Crooked Mueller is trying to ruin our great country by letting these people in, DON’T LET THEM DO IT!!!” The demented future jailbird eventually passes out from inhaling his own bullshit, during which time Kris Boyd has slotted away the free-kick and eaten the entire stadium’s supply of Killie Pies, before taunting a starving group of Aberdeen fans with his happy belly.

November

With No Deal Brexit decimating public finances, Theresa May announces plans to merge all late-autumnal events into one combined extravaganza known as HallowFireFawkes Sunday. The event (sponsored by Mozilla Firefox) begins with The Queen and Jeremy Corbyn laying commemorative fireworks at the Cenotaph. A number of gammon complain on social media that Corbyn’s fireworks are too small to be a fitting tribute to Our Brave Boys, and that Ian Blackford’s kilt isn’t scary enough. The dignitaries are then bussed up to Glasgow Green, where a collection of enormous Scream masks and Dracula capes are shot into the night sky by veterans such as That Bloke From The Falklands War. The glitzy event concludes with a special club night in what remains of Sauchiehall Street, with everyone dressed in WWII fancy dress while boogying to extended dance remixes of The Last Post and God Save The Queen. Anyone seen without a poppy is thrown into a bonfire on top of the old China Buffet King by podgy ex-army types in cult scenes reminiscent of the Thriller video. The patriotic club night is marred when November party-pooper Owen Coyle flies a drone to distract everyone then turns down the music.

The next morning Glasgow is rocked by a devastating fire at the Sauchiehall Street branch of WH Smith, which destroys up to 18 Gary Barlow autobiographies and 33 Pic’n’Mix sweets. Miraculously no-one is killed or injured in the blaze, which just happened to strike at 6:45am with the building empty. With the entire street now destroyed by fires, the smoke hits the Earth’s atmosphere with such ferocity that the global climate finally hits the reset button, with grey November skies and drizzle returning to Scotland. A gleeful Theresa May dances up to the scene of the fires to officially declare the Avenues project completed, when a VAR check confirms that one building remains untouched amongst the wreckage: The impenetrable Hengler’s Circus branch of Wetherspoons. May quickly dives into ‘Spoons to cut a deal with First Minister Nicola Sturgeon to let England become independent from the UK to complete Brexit alone. An IPSOS MORI poll confirms that only 49.9999999999999999999% of the English population would vote Yes, with many remaining unconvinced about the economic benefits of independence.

December

The box-office smash hit of the festive season sees one final reprisal of the thrilling Oscar-worthy Fifty Shades franchise. The film, entitled 12 Days of Grey, sees Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele donning jolly red and white jumpers for weird Santa-based roleplay, with instructions behind the doors of a chocolate calendar detailing different X-rated activities for each day. A team of officials spend a suspicious amount of time in the VAR room checking through the Director’s Cut for possible infringements. The sizzling soundtrack features a risquรฉ Rita Ora cover of Slade’s “Merry Xmas Everyone”, as well as a salacious version of “Wonderful Christmastime” by Beyoncรฉ. The Flight Of The Conchords duo get together to re-record “It’s Business Time” as “It’s Christmas Time”, featuring the sultry lyric, “Ya know when I’m down to my socks it’s time for Christmas, that’s why they’re called Christmas socks ooo-ooooh!” The producers ban “Baby It’s Cold Outside” and “Santa Baby” from the soundtrack for being too filthy.

The Scottish Rumble is still yet to reach a conclusion, with Alfredo Morelos having left the last 13 referees concussed (a VAR check confirms that eight of them had it coming). No Deal Brexit has caused the Hampden crowd to metamorphosize into bloodthirsty sub-primate species, with food riots breaking out every time new Irn Bru bottles are smuggled in under the turnstiles. With the score anyone’s guess, Ayr United gain inspiration from a pitch-side advert asking them to “Find Your Honest”, with a rejuvenated Michael Moffat and Lawrence Shankland banging in 20 goals in the next 10 minutes. The Honest Men declare a state of UDI and promptly proclaim themselves to be the new Scottish Premiership Champions! At a lavish trophy presentation (perfectly filmed by a beautiful drone overhead), manager Ian McCall steps over thousands of Brexit carcasses on the famous Hampden steps to be presented with the trophy by the ducks from Peppa Pig. McCall thanks the people of (South) Ayrshire for sticking by The Honest Champions on their 109-year journey to footballing immortality, but his speech is interrupted by an angry Da punching each of the ducks with a right hook, before grabbing the mic and screaming that, “Ah’ve had enuff of aw you beaks at the SFA!!!”

HAPPY NEW YEAR

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