2017 Predictions

January

As the long wait continues for the UK Government to finally begin the process of Brexit, an exasperated Huw Edwards tweets that, "If Article 50 is ever invoked I'll present BBC News At Six totally naked lolz!" The Pound rises to its highest level since 2008, as investors speculate that Theresa May would never knowingly unleash such wanton horror on the British people. When asked for a more specific plan on how exactly the striptease would work, a cagey yet unrepentant Edwards snaps, "Look, nudity means nudity."

The inauguration of the 45th US President is marred by ugly scenes as Donald Trump accidentally shoots a gorilla dead on stage. The tragic incident occurs as the friendly bohemoth from the Cadburys/Phil Collins ad prepares to hit the drums at the crescendo to “In The Air Tonight”. Trump argues that the gorilla is a “big stupid dumb animal, who had it coming by the way”, before his close personal friend Kanye West diverts attention by running on stage and blaming Taylor Swift. Swift later responds by posting a GIF of her shrugging her shoulders with her new British Boyfriend Tom Jones.

February

There are scenes of jubilation across the world as it is revealed that every deceased celebrity from 2016 is technically still alive, but is being detained in a holding room between life and death, similar to Customs at an international airport. Manuel from Fawlty Towers serves drinks to the guests as David Bowie and Muhammad Ali begin a fiercely contested argument over who is in fact the “Greatest Of All Time”. The in-house DJ Sir Terry Wogan attempts to ease tensions by playing a succession of Katie Melua songs and chucking heartily. In the corner, Ronnie Corbett pulls up a massive chair and begins an anecdote about misunderstandings at golf tournaments.

As the entire UK waits for Article 50, two major German companies reveal that the economic uncertainty has forced them to merge in order to remain profitable. Audi and Aldi combine all operations with immediate effect, with Aldi supermarkets doubling up as car showrooms. Customers searching for massive bags of fruit for 89p complain about the noise level from Audi’s adjacent service department. All checkout staff are trained to haggle with customers for the best deal for their shopping, and ordered to end negotiations with the catchphrase, “Thank you for shopping at Aldi: Vorsprung durch Technik.”

March

In an attempt to win friends in the EU ahead of a potential second independence vote, Nicola Sturgeon successfully bids to move the European Grand Prix from Baku to a street circuit in Glasgow. However, hopes for a fast-paced high-octane afternoon of motorsport are dashed when Glasgow City Council announce that their new 20mph speed limit will apply for the whole race. There are tense scenes at the starting grid on the Broomielaw, as only half the cars get through the first set of traffic lights. Special celebrity guest Taylor Swift defies authority by posting a GIF of her driving down Renfield Street at 26mph with her new British Boyfriend Wayne Rooney.

At the holding pen for 2016 celebrities, the mood turns ugly as Fidel Castro interferes in the Bowie/Ali verbal sparring, threatening to detain the pair indefinitely without trial. Alan Rickman returns from the bathroom dressed as Hans Gruber from Die Hard, shiftily loitering in the background and muttering something about “perma-nent-ly dealing with Mis-ter Cas-tro.” Ronnie Corbett continues his humorous anecdote about golf in front of a guffawing crowd that now includes Victoria Wood, Leonard Cohen and Harambe the gorilla.

April

As the world waits for Article 50 and Huw Edward’s impending striptease, David Cameron records an emotional cover song detailing the rollercoaster of the EU Referendum. “Brexit At Tiffany’s” features Cameron in a Champs Elysees streetside cafe munching croissants and pain au chocolate with French President François Hollande,  whilst belting out emotive lyrics such as “You say, we’ve got nothing in common”. Hollande returns the compliment, almost breaking down in tears as as he sings, “The world has come between us.” The shooting of the video breaks down as Angela Merkel and Silvio Berlusconi throw bratwurst and pepperoni at each other, before a group of Northern Irish fans gatecrash the cafe singing, “Will Grigg Is On Fire” (although Grigg never actually shows up).

The European Grand Prix heads to Dennistoun for the ceremonial running over of fly-tipped items. Craig Charles hosts with Jonathan Pearce on commentary as Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg both have to drive over a series of fridges like Evil Knievel. The crowd rhythmically chant, “FRIDGE! FRIDGE! FRIDGE!” to encourage the drivers, but the atmosphere turns sour when Hamilton barges Rosberg off the road into a bunch of ASDA trolleys. At a Downing Street press conference Theresa May is asked if she can name any of the items inside the fridges, curtly responding, “Look, you don’t need to know what’s inside. Fridge means fridge.”

May

Dance music creator Mike Posner is arrested and charged on suspicion of theft after police find the video for his new hit single, "I Took A Pillow From IKEA." In a tense interview with constables, Posner goes on record as saying that he only stole the pillow "to show Avicii I was cool." When pressed further on a potential motive, the Mediterranean-based hitmaker shrugs his shoulders and muses, "well it was something to do." Taylor Swift posts a GIF of herself legally purchasing a pillow from IKEA using the self-scanning machines to take home to her new British Boyfriend, Jamie Vardy.

The second successive Scottish Cup final between Hibs and Rangers ends in mayhem as Hibs fans invade the pitch trying to play Pokémon Go. A huge group of fans stream out of The Rangers End and take to battle on the pitch, “to protect the honour and unbroken history of our Pokémon”, resulting in 47 arrests. A Rangers fan on Super Scoreboard the following Monday is asked how many Pokémon he plans on catching, and responds, “GOING FOR 55 MATE!!!!!”

June

A new talent show on BBC One takes to the streets of Britain to try and find a worse song than "7 Years" by Lukas Graham. The Glasgow auditions see a panel including Simon Cowell, Will I. Am, Kevin Bishop and Hugh Keevins borrow four massive swivelly chairs from an Algerian barbershop on Duke Street, before pushing them down to Buchanan Street and listening to spotty buskers. While the singers struggle to be heard over the noise of the European Grand Prix, a particularly awful song causes Cowell to lament the "dreadful, pretentious, sterile lyrics, while the vocals sounded like the exorcism of a drugged cat. You're through to the next round."

The European Grand Prix takes a surprising diversion through the never-ending labyrinth of roadworks on the M8/M73/M74. Nico Rosberg accidentally takes a wrong turn at the Raith Interchange, driving round an entire farm by mistake before ending up on the M8 at Eurocentral. While commentator Murray Walker finds the incident engrossing, Scottish Labour call for the resignation of Transport Minister Humza Yousaf, proclaiming, “What so-called civilised country even needs roadworks?” Huw Edwards jokes on BBC News at 10 that “I bet Article 50 is invoked before that Grand Prix ever finishes”, before nervously shuffling his papers and asking a cameraman if it is possible to delete tweets.

July

At the Supreme Court in America, the IKEA pillow theft trial of Mike Posner finally takes place. President Trump picks a demented KKK member to head the Supreme Court, arguing that, “I can do Supreme Court, I’m one of the best at Supreme Court, and they’re taking all our Supreme Courts now actually and you wanna know how they’re doing it? Yeah, I know you do. I know you do.” Trump is distracted by the entire jury standing up and singing “Will Grigg Is On Fire” (although Grigg himself never shows up), allowing Posner to win a pillow fight with the supreme Court judge and declare victory. Outside the courthouse, Posner organises an impromptu dance session for delirious revellers, which lasts until Owen Coyle arrives and turns the music down.

The endless infighting amongst the Labour Party descends into farce as an actual woman’s labour is disrupted. Midwife Corbyn is attempting to deliver a pair of beautiful twins when Midwife Owen Thingmy gatecrashes the induction, surrounded by a team of Blairite doctors. Midwife Owen Thingmy remarks that, “with respect, Midwife Corbyn, this labour is not effective enough for my liking, and I think the voters at home will see that.” The Blairite medical staff launch a slogan for the coup, ‘New Labour Labour’, with the tagline, “Labour Will Finally Deliver For You”. On BBC News a deranged John McTernan screeches that births will only be successful if mothers lean heavily to the right during contractions.

August

At the European Grand Prix, Lewis Hamilton attempts to convey his frustrations over the team radio, but is accidentally caught in an endless loop of messages about logging into Glasgow City Council’s free Wi-Fi. The exasperated tax-dodger re-routes to the Counting House Wetherspoons in the next lap, parking outside to get the 15 free minutes from The Cloud Wi-Fi instead. The Glaswegian crowd troll Hamilton by singing, “Will Grigg Is On Fire”, although Grigg’s car never actually shows up.

At the 2016 celebrity holding pen, Manuel arrives with a tray of drinks but accidentally spills the whole lot over Prince. Luckily the multi-sexual performer’s outfit already has 18 different colours and no-one notices the difference. Alan Rickman returns from the bathroom dressed as Professor Snape, whispering a weird mantra about “re-turn-ing the out-fit to it’s or-ig-in-al col-our”, before waving a magic wand. Ronnie Corbett’s anecdote continues apace, as Caroline Aherne resumes the role of Mrs. Merton, asking Paul Daniels, “So what first attracted you to the tall young blonde Debbie McGhee?”

September

A disturbing new report by DEFRA confirms that a staggering 78% of the UK is now Kevin Bacon EE adverts. A spokesman laments the reckless destruction of natural habitats and ecosystems across Britain to make way for awkward adverts featuring American pronunciations of "Ken Barlow" and "pie and mash". Question Time features a wave of frightened old pensioners crying that "our British way of life is now being eroded by this bloody foreigner, who hasn't even had a good film since Apollo 13." Bacon responds by invading the Question Time studio and turning it into yet another EE advert, asking the viewers at home to "sign up for 12 months of unlimited texts and 4G, just like Des Lynam would."

Torrential rain at the European Grand Prix in Glasgow forces the deployment of the safety car, which turns out to be driven by James Corden. The roly-poly funnyman turns the safety car into an impromptu edition of Carpool Karaoke, before introducing his special guest, local comedy legend Billy Connolly. The pair sing a number of songs from Connolly’s musical run in the 1970s, as Corden swerves erratically to the beat of the music, causing a three car pile-up with Jos Verstappen, Sebastian Vettel and Jenson Button. The segment ends abruptly when Corden asks Connolly repeatedly to say “JOBBY!”, with The Big Yin headbutting Corden and laughing maniacally as the car veers off-road. Scottish Labour call for the resignation of Transport Minister Humza Yousaf, adding “Who let that twat from Gavin and Stacey behind the wheel anyway?”

October

There are scenes of total chaos at the first Old Firm match of the season as hundreds of killer clowns arrive at Celtic Park. Rangers fans stream onto the pitch again and confront the clowns “to protect the undying history of our club badge”. In a post-rammy interview, Brendan Rodgers remarks that the clowns “showed great intensity, great movement, and it was a joy to watch at times”. Taylor Swift posts a GIF of her scoring a goal against a killer clown, with the help of her new British Boyfriend Robert Peston.

Progress at the European Grand Prix is slowed further as crowds gather for the 7,384th straight night of Still Game at the Hydro. Jenson Button and Nico Hulkenberg find their paths impeded on the Clydeside Expressway as Isa stops them “for a wee natter”. In Craiglang, Lewis Hamilton takes a brief pit stop at Navid’s shop, but tight-fisted Tam persuades him not to pay the tax on a tattle scone, arguing that Monaco residents are exempt from VAT. Navid watches the pair hatching their evil plot and runs after Hamilton with Meena’s broomstick, shouting, “Get oot ma shop ya stingy baastard!”

November

Disturbing scenes ensue at the 2016 customs area as George Michael is caught in the male toilets in a compromising position with Thailand’s King Bhumibol Adulyadej. Ronnie Corbett sees the opportunity to add the incident to his ongoing monologue, going for the obvious “I heard he was looking for Fastlove” gag. Alan Rickman returns from a side room dressed as his most endearing and celebrated character, That Bloke From Love Actually Who Had An Affair. He hopes to re-enact the gift-wrapping scene, but quickly realises that Rowan Atkinson (still alive) is not in the 2016 customs area, and decides that no other scene in Love Actually is worth recreating.

Huw Edwards becomes increasingly confident that Article 50 will never be invoked, and begins trolling the more demented of the Leave voters by trying to mention Article 50 in every single news story. In the nightly newspaper review, Edwards praises a Daily Mirror exclusive by exclaiming, “I must have read this article 50 times already today, it’s just that good!” Nigel Farage threatens to gather 100 million people en masse to march to Edwards’ house, before realising that this would involve inviting at least 37 million migrants.

December

The race for Christmas No.1 comes down to a straight fight between Brexit At Tiffany’s, I Took A Pillow From IKEA, the GBX remix of Bits And Pieces, Daft Punk’s new single “Get Lucky” and Will Grigg Is On Fire. Eventually the ode to Grigg is the runaway winner, but Grigg himself is unavailable for comment on Radio 1. Scottish Labour call for the resignation of Transport Minister Humza Yousaf over the issue, remarking that “the SNP must have sunk his boat or something, I dunno”. Taylor Swift posts a Vine of herself singing “Will Grigg Is On Fire” with her new British Boyfriend Chick Young.

The European Grand Prix finally reaches a conclusion as Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg trundle towards the finish line on the Broomielaw at 20mph. Hamilton sees victory in his sights until becoming distracted by a number of bus drivers leaving their vehicles unattended to run around and play Pokémon Go in the street. Rosberg seals victory, and is handed the trophy by Nicola Sturgeon at the podium in St. Enoch Square, as Sturgeon gives a speech about the Grand Prix “exemplifying our ties with our European neighbours”. There are murmurs of fear in the crowd, which turn to shock and horror, as a bedraggled John Swinney races through the square and hands a note to Sturgeon.  The First Minister turns ashen-faced as she reads the scrawled note before holding it aloft for the benefit of the gathered press. Will Grigg has invoked Article 50. The UK is terrified.

HAPPY NEW YEAR