2018 Predictions

January

There are incredible scenes at the Scottish Cup match between Celtic and Brechin City when Conor McGregor begins warming up on the touchline. The demented puncher confirms to pitchside reporter Chick Young that he plans to invade unannounced and score the winning goal with a mazy 80-yard run and top corner finish, adding that “it doesn’t matter what weight division they are, I will drop every one of them clean.” McGregor then sprints on to the pitch in a Celtic strip and unintentionally scores a spectacular diving header own-goal to win the match for Brechin. Undeterred, the UFC Lightweight World Champion vows to “fight on”, before being kicked eight times in each shin by Scott Brown.

Tom Hanks’ ubiquitous presence on The Graham Norton Show is finally explained, when harrowing CCTV footage from the BBC studios shows the jovial actor being held hostage in the studio between episodes. According to a hidden clause in the BBC Charter, Hanks’ only option to escape is to find Will Smith and Gary Barlow before successfully reciting the Fresh Prince of Bel Air rap three consecutive times. After a fourteenth straight appearance on the show (which forces him to tolerate Will Ferrell, Miranda Hart and Olly Murs), Hanks loses his mind and reverts to the lead character from his hit film The Terminal, sleeping on the sofa and asking cameramen if they know the way back to “Krakozhia”.

February

At a Commons Select Committee, the SNP pile on the pressure on David Davis to find the missing Brexit Impact Assessments. Asked by Joanna Cherry QC how on earth a responsible government could concoct a mess like this, a nervous Davis mutters something about an overnight lane closure on the Queensferry Crossing, to scripted guffawing from the Tories seated behind him. Davis eventually agrees to personally lead a nationwide hunt for the reports, enlisting the help of the public with a new #FindTheFindings campaign. New opinion polling reveals that Brexit is now as unpopular as chickenpox, but must continue regardless.

The never-ending speculation about the next James Bond finally merges with the never-ending speculation about the new Doctor Who, resulting in a new serial drama on BBC One. “Doctor Bond” features Christopher Eccleston and Peter Capaldi battling it out with a bunch of evil KGB spies on a steep cliff-face, before David Tennant arrives in an Aston Martin and brandishes a Walther PPK pistol to scare everyone off. Meanwhile, in a swanky Monte Carlo bar Tom Baker takes some time out from the enthralling violence to request a “Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred” in his dulcet tones as the iconic Bond music plays in the background. The show’s lesser-known BBC Three spin-off, “James Who?”, is much less of a ratings success, with Daniel Craig and Sean Connery wearing massive grey coats and silly hats while hiding in a Tardis from 500 Daleks.

March

The Sutton United goalkeeper who illegally ate a pie during an FA Cup match falls foul of the law again. Wayne Shaw is violently ejected from a United Airlines flight from Glasgow to New York for eating another pie while the flight is taxiing, with staff dragging him up the aisle by his arms and legs before stamping on the pie in a humiliating ritual. President Trump briefly breaks off from firing everyone investigating his collusion with Russia to tweet that, “This guy is, I mean, what a total idiot. He’s a jerk. We shouldn’t even have these planes, these big stupid planes, landing in our great country anymore, WE DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY’VE COME FROM. Think smart people.” An embittered Shaw brokers a peace deal by pleading that “Sutton United and United Airlines should be more, well, united”, and is allowed back on board with a 10” Munchie Box and 2 litre bottle of Irn Bru.

In Augusta, Georgia, fighting Irishman Conor McGregor rolls up at the US Masters golf wearing a luminous green jacket. Stewards explain that the green jacket should only be worn by the winner, but an embattled McGregor retorts that “you’re looking at the next winner baby. Conor’s going round in 62!” McGregor proceeds to hack his way round the course for a poor round of 87, misses the cut and smashes up the clubhouse with a 3 iron, before vowing to “fight on”. Replicas of the luminous green jacket are later placed on sale next to the jewellery in the St. Enoch branch of Warren James, who are starting an exciting new Spring Sale.

April

The English Premier League’s managerial merry-go-round descends into farce, with chairmen sacking managers every time they lose a single match. Alan Pardew is sacked as West Brom manager after losing once to Chelsea, before Mark Hughes is fired by Stoke for being 2-1 down to Arsenal at half time. The pressure of having to avoid relegation (and grab a slice of the Premier League’s new £485trn TV contract) develops at such a pace that chairmen increasingly feel compelled to sack their managers after conceding individual goals. The chaos results in David Moyes being sacked halfway through a dangerous Liverpool attack at Anfield, with the West Ham chairman having to resort to plucking a random fan from the away end for the remainder of the match. The chairmen eventually agree to halt the insanity by just hiring Big Sam Allardyce, who promptly saves all 20 clubs from relegation.

The EU ramps up the rhetoric in the Brexit negotiations by confirming that, as well as paying $39bn, the UK must hand back its enormous stash of ABBA records. A worryingly blasé David Davis remarks that, “this proves we’ve got them exactly where we want them”, before banning the word blasé for being too French. At the World Snooker Championships in the Crucible Theatre, Boris Johnson and Phillip Hammond continue their #FindTheFindings search for the missing Brexit Impact Assessments, interrupting a quarter-final match between Ronnie O’Sullivan and John Higgins to rifle through the pockets for the missing reports. O’Sullivan smacks Boris in the skull with his cue, as Hazel Irvine reveals a new poll which shows Brexit to be more unpopular than contracting pins and needles during a hangover.

May

Tom Hanks has now been trapped in the Graham Norton studio for four unbroken months. Disheveled and unshaven, he begins to resemble the lead character from Cast Away, chewing on random pieces of wood from the studio floor and befriending a volleyball called “Wilson”. The threat of being forced to sit on a sofa for an hour with Tom Cruise, an ex-member of One Direction and the guy from Mrs. Brown’s Boys drives Hanks to despair, but a crew member calms his nerves by bringing vital supplies of toothpaste and croissants. Hanks spots an escape route when he notices that Doctor Bond is being filmed in the studio next door, but Tennant and Capaldi block his path with a gigantic speedboat stolen from Russians. The only option is for Hanks to order a chainsaw, but a quick Google search reveals that Warren James are now sold out of chainsaws due to the overwhelming success of their brand new sale.

The United Nations comes together with a heart-warming plan to bring the world together again in harmony. At global crisis talks in the Merchant City branch of O’Neills, the UN Secretary General orders the world’s most dictatorial leaders to ease political tensions by recording a sultry new summer song. The tune, to be called “DespotCito”, is to feature all the world’s most ludicrous despots on lead vocals, including Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, Vladimir Putin, Turkish President Erdoğan and Piers Morgan. Spanish President Mariano Rajoy decrees that if any lyrics in DespotCito are altered from the original Spanish, he will indefinitely detain every singer involved on made-up charges of ‘rebellion’. Trump immediately refuses to sing any vocals in Spanish, remarking that, “they’ve got some terrible people down there in Mexico, I met some of them you know, great people, great people, but really terrible and bad and oh boy I gotta tell you, so much bad down there. I’m going to stop all this by the way.”

June

Conor McGregor steps us his bid for authenticity by taking part in the Wimbledon tennis championships. In a one-sided contest on Centre Court the violent Dubliner is obliterated by Andy Murray 6-0 6-0 6-1. The one bright spot for McGregor is winning a game in the third set when Murray is distracted by his iPlayer app, which shows the recent episode of The Graham Norton Show with special guests Tom Hanks, Bradley Cooper, Rihanna and Philip Schofield. Afterwards McGregor vows to “fight on”, as Murray remarks that, “it was a really tough match, you know, he’s got a strong serve, I had to watch out for his backhand and…and…well no actually. He’s a total moron.”

There are scenes of joy across Scotland as Alex Salmond negotiates with his good friend Vladimir Putin for Scotland to attend the Russian World Cup despite not qualifying. At an emotional opening ceremony in Moscow, Salmond joins with every Labour, Tory and Lib Dem politician ever to have appeared on the Russia Today channel, filling the stage to perform a touching rendition of the Russian national anthem (although Salmond is the only one to receive media criticism for his singing). Leigh Griffiths scores a hat-trick against Japan and Scotland begins to believe once again, until Putin has the striker ‘ex-communicated’ by the KGB “for a laugh”. After an inevitable elimination at the hands of Panama, the national team trudges back to Glasgow to raise their spirits by taking in the exciting new sale at Warren James.

July

An increasingly jealous Theresa May begins to wonder why she wasn’t invited to the recording of DespotCito. The eternally beleaguered Prime Minister WhatsApps the UN Secretary General for an explanation, noting that, “you need us a lot more than we need you. No song is better than a bad song.” The Secretary General replies that, “it’s not for the lack of trying, Theresa, but you’re just too rubbish to be a believable fascist LOL ROFLMFAO.” An incensed May blocks the Secretary General and calls a snap General Election to determine which UK politician can collaborate on DespotCito. On the steps of Downing Street, May informs a packed press corps that, “if I lose just six votes, then Jeremy Corbyn will be sitting down at the recording studio laying down some sick vocals on redistributive economics. We must crush him.”

BBC Two’s big ratings smash hit of the summer is an outdoors documentary featuring Cameron McNeish and the Edward Cullen character from Twilight trying out some rock-climbing on the Isle of Skye. Entitled “Cullen in the Cullin”, the show focuses on Robert Pattinson’s attempts to tick off all 12 Munros in the Black Cullin while being chased by an enormous pack of rabid werewolves. A stressed Pattinson relieves the tension by joining McNeish in the Sligachan Hotel bar each night to sing acoustic Runrig covers, but on Day 4 the pair encounter problems when Doctor Bond begins filming overhead. Peter Capaldi and Jodie Whittaker jump out of a helicopter onto the summit of Sgurr nan Gillean looking sly and brandishing Sterling AR180 rifles, which at least scares off the werewolves. The BBC Three spin-off show “James Who?” continues to struggle, with Russian bots e-mailing the Daily Mail angrily seething that, “It’ll probably be ‘Jane Who?’ next, EH?????!!!!!1”

August

The #FindTheFindings search continues apace, with Theresa May running through fields of wheat in Yorkshire looking for the Brexit Impact Assessments. With no sign of the missing reports, May asks Sir Bob Geldof to compile a strong and stable list of available singers to compile a charity single to aid the mission. Geldof responds that every single singer in the British Isles is currently collaborating with Ed Sheeran on new versions of Perfect, and hangs up the phone after swearing 29 times. Sheeran has now recorded the song with Beyoncé, Andrea Bocelli, Taylor Swift, Zara Larsson, Dua Lipa, U2, The Chainsmokers, Shakin’ Stevens, Sean Paul and Tom Jones, but remarks that he is “still looking for the perfect version of ‘Perfect’ on unleash on the public.” Sheeran’s exclusive interview on Des Clarke’s Capital Breakfast Show is marred when Owen Coyle sneaks into the production room and turns the volume down.

This year’s annual General Election fails to find a conclusive winner yet again, resulting in confusion for the UK’s representative on DespotCito. The final result leaves the deep uncertainty of a ‘Hung Verse’, where Corbyn and May have to share vocal duties on the third verse. Corbyn enlists the help of his Mexican wife to master the Spanish lyrics, but May is restricted to Google Translate and the expertise of Boris Johnson, who advises the PM to “just sing something about England’s frolicsome victory over those nincompoops at the Armada. We’re taking back control of this third verse.” Ex-Deputy PM Damien Green is arrested after the full saucy lyrics to DespotCito are found on his Whitehall work machine.

September

A creepy new Netflix drama strikes an instant chord with viewers across the world. “St-Rangers Things” follows a terrified Kenny Miller and Winona Ryder underneath the Govan streets and shipyards into a hidden dimension where the old Rangers still exists. The Ibrox legend manages to create clones of Paul Gascoigne and Brian Laudrup (who takes on the role of “Eleven” due to his old squad number), but trouble strikes when the reunion is interrupted by enormous shape-shifting monsters with the faces of Craig Whyte, Charles Green and Mike Ashley. The show is eventually cancelled after accruing soaring debts and owing £80m to Netflix, but comes back on Amazon Prime calling itself “THE St-Rangers Things”. An eagerly-anticipated ‘Statement By Rangers’ confirms that, “moan tae f**k man, youse aw know it’s the same show”.

The recording of DespotCito finally takes place at the iconic King Tuts Wah Wah Hut in St. Vincent Street. Liam and Noel Gallagher act as peacekeepers as Trump, Putin, Erdoğan, Rajoy and Piers Morgan sing with passion about the joys of being a successful despot. Kim Jong-Un remarks that, “this is how we do it down in Pyongyang”, while Corbyn and May’s ‘Hung Verse’ turns into a battle rap about the various qualities of socialism and ultra-Thatcherite capitalism. The ‘Hung Verse’ ends with a sense of heartening unity as the pair agree that leaving the EU, bludgeoning the UK economy and increasing tensions in Northern Ireland is a “win-win-win” idea, despite a new Ipsos MORI poll confirming that Brexit is now as unpopular as the hunters who shot Bambi’s mum. Philippines President Duterte finds traces of cannabis in the King Tuts toilets, and afterwards has the entire building destroyed.

October

Tom Hanks has now been trapped in the Graham Norton studios for nine harrowing months. Speculation grows that the likeable Californian is being held hostage and forced to appear on the show every week as he is the only male celebrity not likely to be arrested on indecent assault charges. Hanks suffers BBC cabin fever and morphs into his patented Forrest Gump character, sitting on a bench in the backstage Green Room and offering enormous boxes of chocolate to guests including Angelina Jolie, Pitbull and Bradley Walsh. Gump receives warm words of support from Gerard Butler, who reveals that he is also trapped in a never-ending celebrity football match with Edgar Davids, Robbie Williams’ pal and Ben Shepherd.

A new law passed at Holyrood decrees that all footballers who play on Halloween have to wear ridiculous costumes for the entire duration of the match. Celtic’s long-awaited 6-1 Champion’s League defeat at home to Real Madrid features surreal scenes, as Scott Brown dives in with a two-footed foul on Cristiano Ronaldo while dressed as Hannibal Lecter. Wee James Forrest realises a dream held for all of his nine years by running down the left wing in a Superman cape. Leigh Griffiths returns from his Siberian prison exile to grab a late consolation for the hosts while dressed as the thumb from the Addams Family’s ‘Hand’ (no costume is necessary). In a post-match interview, Brendan Rodgers (wearing a massive Dracula outfit and scary teeth) muses that, “my team were superheroes tonight, an inspiration to us all”, before heading off to St. Enoch for the big new sale at Warren James.

November

Conor McGregor tries his hand at some rugby, sprinting onto the field at Murrayfield during the Autumn Test between Scotland and New Zealand. The referee’s live microphone picks up clear instructions for McGregor to leave the field of play because, “with respect Sir, you’re neither Scottish nor a New Zealander”. McGregor can be heard screeching in retort, “it don’t matter to me, 30 on 1, you’re all going down”. A concerned Gregor Townsend watches on from the technical box as the Dark Blues and the All Blacks pile on top of McGregor in a cross between a traditional scrum and a wrestling frog splash. A battered and bruised McGregor limps off the field with blood pouring from his ears, kneecaps and teeth, vowing to “fight on”.

The UK Government’s attempts to #FindTheFindings lead David Davis to Glasgow. Davis approaches the trip like a Ross Kemp documentary on Glaswegian pubs, hiring full protective face masks and riot shields. The Secretary Of State For Quickening Scottish Independence has a quick scavenge in Tollcross Park, before becoming terrified by the accents and retreating to the St. Enoch branch of Burger King, but the building is crowded due to uncontrollable joy at the new Warren James sale starting up. The crowds double in number when Tom Hanks suddenly appears through a hole in the ground in front of the Yankee Candle store, having dug his way out of the Graham Norton studio in the style of The Great Escape and crawled through a sewer for 350 miles. A chortling Hanks explains that the thought of spending an hour trapped with Nicole Scherzinger, John Bishop and Morrissey was “the last goddamn straw.”

December

The battle for Christmas No.1 looks like a two-horse race between DespotCito and George Bowie’s new GBX Remix of the classic, “Oh Jeremy Corbyn”. However, a spanner is thrown into the works when Ed Sheeran announces plans to re-release his hit song Perfect yet again, but this time collaborating with every single human being in the world. The globalised busker personally pays for 7 billion people’s flights to Scotland, with Richard Osman using a series of complex algorithms to determine that the Isle of Skye is the optimum location to fit everyone in simultaneously. Sheeran climbs to the summit of the Inaccessible Pinnacle and whips out his patented acoustic guitar, singing, “I found a love for me…” as the entire population of Earth joins in. A Panelbase survey conducted mid-recording on the Isle of Skye determines that 58% of people dislike Sheeran but are having to join in with the song anyway, a situation described by First Minister Nicola Sturgeon as a “pitch-perfect metaphor for Brexit”, which is now as unpopular as James Corden’s We Buy Any Car adverts.

The recording is going swimmingly until the shooting of Cullen in the Cullin interrupts proceedings, with Cameron McNeish and Robert Pattinson accidentally knocking over Sheeran’s pedal foot station thingmyjig while trying to abseil off the summit of the In Pinn. The recording session is rescued when Conor McGregor cycles single-handedly up the Munro, decks a werewolf at the summit and leads the entire world in a rousing final chorus. The bearded headcase then opens the satchel on his bike to reveal the missing Brexit Impact Assessments, which he had found in a bin on Duke Street after a festive night on the tiles with Gary Mackay-Steven. A delirious McGregor flies away on a passing sleigh, screaming to the gathered earthlings that the recovered Brexit Impact Assessments will be exclusively available in the huge new sale at Warren James.

HAPPY NEW YEAR