January
Volkswagen are rocked by a fresh controversy when it is revealed that their cars have been powered by the heads of dead pigs. The scandal is uncovered by an alert driver, Mr. D. Cameron of London, who claims in a letter that, “this is the most depraved misuse of a bovine skull I can ever recall”. Chancellor George Osborne rushes through an Emergency Budget to end the crisis, decreeing that UK-registered cars can now be powered by anything. “Except cocaine. Please don’t waste good cocaine on a car.”
February
There is a new setback at the Forth Road Bridge when the discovery of a second cracked truss forces the re-closure of the bridge. Transport Scotland draw up a temporary diversion via the Clackmannanshire Bridge, Alloa and all the way round the Knockhill Racing Circuit, thanking motorists for their continued patience. Scottish Labour leader Kezia Dugdale blames the SNP for not building a stronger bridge in 1964, while Glasgow City Council arrange a plot to blow up the bridge and put everyone out of their misery. The plan goes awry when the lower half of the bridge remains standing after the explosion. The Queen is called into action to skipper temporary ferries between North and South Queensferry, after a 400-year-old legal bylaw reveals that she is the only person legally permitted to sail boats in Queensferry.
In America, the Republican Primaries heat up a notch when new entrant Tyson Fury wins the next TV debate hands-down. Fury wins over the crowd instantly with charming witticisms like, “Hurry up sweetie, back to the kitchen”, “Look, I just think there’s too many of them here”, and, “Are you telling me he had NO good ideas?” A flustered Donald Trump attempts to steal the spotlight back by donning a white and gold dress that may actually be blue and black. Fury decks Trump, later explaining that, “the only dress a geezer can ever look good in is a nice little purple number.”
March
The election to replace Sepp Blatter as president of FIFA comes down to a thrilling two-horse race between Sepp Blatter and Sepp Blatter. At the final ceremony in Zurich, the crown is handed to an ecstatic Sepp Blatter by special celebrity guest Sepp Blatter. New FIFA President Sepp Blatter proclaims that “anyone who doubts the integrity of this election is stupider than a carrot”, before thanking his predecessor Sepp Blatter. Gary Lineker posts an impassioned speech on the BBC website from a nice garden somewhere, arguing that, “surely the time has come for Blatter to hand over the reins to someone more trustworthy, like Sepp Blatter.”
April
The Forth Road Bridge crisis deepens when the UK Government are caught secretly trying to frack the underside of the bridge. The resulting earthquake causes a schism in the landscape between North and South Queensferry, leading to the closure of the adjacent Forth Rail Bridge. Transport Scotland advise commuters to follow the new official diversion through Stirling, Perth, Aviemore, the Cairngorms and Glenshee, tweeting a map of the route “to bring some fun to the proceedings”.
Adele’s smash hit “Hello” is adopted as the new pre-match singsong at Ibrox. The dark video for the new version, “Hullo! Hullo! (From The Other Side)”, features an anxious Dave King calling all Rangers’ previous creditors to ask for spare cash to pay off the EBTs. King recalls that he “must have called David Murray, Craig Whyte, Charles Green and Mike Ashley a thousand times”, but on each occasion can only reach their answer machine. The video receives a standing ovation at the MTV Video Music Awards, before being handed to Police Scotland pending further investigation.
May
A badly mis-spelled post on the Britain First Facebook page leads to a furious backlash against the UK’s referee population. Poster “GiVBACKarBORDERz” rants that “them referees are getting our taxpayers’ money but they give us nothing but aggro in return”, leading to pitchfork demonstrations by the EDL outside the homes of Willie Collum and Mark Clattenburg. After a counter-campaign uses the popular hashtag #IWelcomeReferees, David Cameron eventually seeks a compromise whereby the UK can take in an additional 2,000 referees from a wide range of sports such as football, rugby and snooker, as long as each newcomer brings a dead pig’s head to Calais “for security reasons.”
June
There are touching scenes at Coldplay’s ‘A Head Full Of Dreams’ tour at Hampden when Chris Martin proposes to his piano. The intensity of Martin’s on-stage relationship with the piano finally reaches fever pitch, as the English vocalist gets down on one knee to pop the question, while continuing to play the piano throughout. The couple later undergo a “conscious uncoupling”, to allow Martin to spend more time with his coffee.
Celebrity fascist Donald Trump ups the ante in his Presidential bid by threatening to ban anyone from the USA whose surname begins with Al. A temporary trial of the policy causes mayhem for the Celtic team arriving for their pre-season tour of Florida, as Scott Allan is bundled into a dark cargo plane and whisked to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation. The Paul Simon disco classic “Call Me Al” is banned by all radio stations in Kansas to curb extremism.
July
Transport Scotland send an emergency team of specialists to repair the cracked trusses in the Forth Road Bridge, including Louis van Gaal, Kanye West, Kingsley the Partick Thistle mascot and The Minions. Scenes of total farce ensue when Minion Bob and Minion Kevin crash into Kanye with a new support beam, setting back repairs another three weeks. David Guetta and Demi Lovato organise a special remix of ‘500 Miles (To Tha Club)’ in a live fundraising set in Bathgate. The scheduled Avicii cover of Loch Lomond at midnight is scuppered after Owen Coyle crashes the party and turns the music down.
August
The summer’s hit TV show features the long-awaited return to the BBC of Jeremy Clarkson and the other two. The new show, entitled No Gear, features Clarkson attempting to master a range of automatic cars on Great British highways and byways. In one high-octane episode, Richard Hammond pretends to stall his car while overtaking a white van driver, before proclaiming, “Oh wait! I can’t stall it!!!” and zooming away in ecstatic glee. James May drinks a full bottle of Mediterranean wine before each show, arguing slyly that, “it’s an automatic, so I’ll probably get away with it.”
The Forth Road Bridge crisis deepens further when the SNP close the Kincardine Bridge, because it’s rubbish. Kezia Dugdale and Nicola Sturgeon have a barnstroming row at First Ministers Questions, which finally reaches a cresendo when the pair throw bits of the Red Road flats at each other. The new diversion route goes via Balloch, Crianlarich, Oban, Stornoway and Balamory, where PC Plum hands out helpful information leaflets to motorists pointing out that using a car pollutes the environment anyway.
September
The Trump interrogation of the Celtic team at Guantanamo continues apace, with the Weetabix-haired imbecile calling manager Ronny Deila to the boardroom for an intense character reference. Deila is originally asked how many times Scott Allan has ever faced South-East for goal celebrations, but proceeds to go off on a bizarre tangent, blaming the entire situation on the Scottish media, Rangers, Neil Lennon, people with mortgages, left-handed Macedonian cats, leprechauns and Anthony Stokes. Aberdeen take advantage of the infighting to go six points clear in the Scottish Premiership, and celebrate by covering Trump’s Aberdeenshire golf course with endangered sand.
October
Global climate change and rising sea levels cut Fife off completely at the Ochil Hills, turning Dundee into a Checkpoint-Charlie-style frontier. Jim Spence takes advantage of the situation by becoming an illegal smuggler, scuttling across the Tay Bridge in the dead of night with prohibited supplies of haggis and Forfar Bridies, before returning from Fife with extra smack for George Osborne. A dawn raid by Police Scotland forces Spence to go on the run, disguised in a blue and black dress that is actually white and gold.
The EU referendum results in a 52%-48% victory for the ‘Remain’ campaign, described by the UK media as “an overwhelming victory that surely kills the issue for the next 30 years.” The victory is marred by ugly scenes the following day, when a group of pro-Europe louts with Ryder Cup T-shirts storm George Square and lob golf balls at passers-by, singing, “God Save Jean Claude-Juncker”. The situation worsens when a convoy of thugs from notorious pro-EU bars on Duke Street drive round the square, blaring out hits from ABBA, Julio Iglesias and Scooter. The attempted riot reaches a crescendo with the European nationalists confronting a group of innocent Rangers fans who were en route to fix the Forth Road Bridge, before pelting them with croissants and rotten paella.
November
The people of Fife have now been cut off from normal accents for a full eleven months. Sir Bob Geldof and Midge Ure team up one more time for the recording of ‘Band Aid 32 (Do They Know It’s Christmas, Eh?)’, featuring emotive lyrics such as, “Here’s to them sitting in that traffic jam”, and “Where nothing ever thrives, no cars or buses drive.” A hard-hitting advert shows Bono clicking his fingers every time a crack appears in the central trusses of the bridge. Transport Scotland’s suggested diversion now goes via Harthill Services, Rockall, Calais, Timbuktu, the Seychelles, Pluto and Stenhousemuir.
December
The ‘Referee Crisis’ reaches a dramatic peak as a group of UKIP voters break into the SFA training complex in Largs, angrily accusing a group of trainee SPFL referees of “coming here illegally to take our jobs and benefits.” Mike Dean and Martin Atkinson arrive on the sidelines to book the right-wing thugs, before bringing out a huge electronic board indicating that a further 20,000 referees are due to be substituted into the country in the coming weeks. The Daily Mail scream that all referees should be shipped to the Red Road flats or Fife until their CVs can be verified and deliberately worsened.
The Forth Road Bridge has its last chance of salvation, as David Hasselhoff arrives at 3am to climb atop the bridge and sing a song. The Hoff sings a soaring version of the Cher classic, “Love Can Build A Bridge”, at which point the cracks in the trusses magically heal over, daylight returns to Inverkeithing and the bridge reopens for business. A proud Kezia Dugdale notes that “our pressure on the SNP has finally paid off”, and challenges Ruth Davidson to a Fast and Furious-style drag race over the repaired bridge. Unfortunately the mood turns sour when Jeremy Clarkson is distracted by Kezia’s dazzling blue and black dress and crashes his automatic VW Passat off the bridge, with the resulting pile of pigs' craniums pushing the reopening date back to 2018.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
